Taking it day by day: March 2007

Random thoughts II

Wednesday, March 28, 2007
In this age where image seems to be everything, I think some people are taking it a huge bit too far. Almost everyone wants the latest clothes, no matter the price – some would rather wallow in debt than not have the latest Gucci, Prada etc shoe that some celebrity chick was wearing. Kids nowadays are getting that fever, and it is not just the labels, the bling and such, it is getting worse – cosmetic surgery is becoming the in thing.

There is a sixteen (16) year old girl who went for liposuction. At 16, my mind was not on such things – by then I was in form 2, in boarding school, feeling miserable cause the diet was horrible. I do not know how many of you had been considering cosmetic surgery then, I just know my mind was not in that area.

This chick’s mum paid for her liposuction…about three thousand euros. And she is not even batting an eyelid. I am not a mother, but the day my 16 year old will come to me and tell me she wants some liposuction, God forbid…. I will slap the dumbness away. The girl weighs less than 60kgs, and there is absolutely no need for such crap, but since the daughter wants, the mummy has to cough up the monies so that the daughter is satisfied. A few days after surgery, the friends come to see her and they stand in front of a mirror oooohhhing and aaaaahing say how slender the thighs look. Aren’t thighs supposed to be fleshy?

This same girl has undergone cosmetic surgery before, when she was 14-15 to correct her nose. Now I am left wondering what kind of values this woman is trying to instil in her daughter. Isn’t she just cementing that foolish notion in the kid’s mind that image is everything? The next thing that is coming is a boob job, then a face lift, then … why the craziness?!

Put zero, get zero

Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Shiro left a comment on my last post and commented on “men’s conservatism” in bedroom matters. I must say she really had a point. We always hear men complaining that Kenyan tumamas have nothing to offer when it comes to the manenos. Men forget that this is a two way thing, and you only get as much as you put in.

Case I
A man has a flourishing bush in his boxers, he still expects head, he has no idea what kind of pungent fumes can emanate from such a bushy area after a hard day’s work and couple of baada ya kazi vinywajiz. Every time dude is getting his freak on with his babe, he starts those tactics of ‘let-me-direct-your-head-elsewhere’, the chick knows what there is down there so she just gives him one look, the famous ‘una wazimu?’ kind of looks. That story of head is lengwaad. The dame has nothing against giving head but she is not ready to start weeding someone's shamba in the process, we all know how disgusting it is to give someone head and always having to stop so that you can pick out the wiry hairs that have found their way into the mouth, some are even threatening to choke the poor babe coz they are stuck in the throat! and at that point the dude has the audacity of saying "babe, go on, dont stop banaa".
One lazy Sunday, after dude has taken a shower, he stands in front of the girl in all his hairy glowreh and starts wiping himself. Chick is disgusted by the manywelez that are tapakaaring all over the place she just says “Nanii, si you trim your hairiness?” At that point, dude kodoaz macho like someone has insulted him, he says “No way, kwani mimi ni gay?”
HAIYA?!?!!! What does this dude eat for breakfast? Who told him it is only gays who trim/shave off their pubic hair? And then he wonders why he gets no head?
If this is not being conservative to the core, then I do not have a name for it.

Case II
Dude is with a chick getting ready for sensuous moments. He is withstanding foreplay because he knows he is getting head at one point or another. Chick gives dude head, dude is enjoying to the maximum….after a while, chick slides up to the man and whispers to the man ‘my turn now’, dude shangaaz, eish my turn gain hii sasa tena? Dame has to spell it out. I-would-love-it-if-you-went-down-on-me. Dude kunjaz his face it’s like the chick has brought pliers to bed as part of foreplay. He spits out some ‘me I don’t do that, I just cant, never have never will, I am like that’ with that, story imeisha, no discussion. Chick says she is no longer in the mood, dude gets pissed atii dem kichwa ngumu anakatsia njaro.
Dude, you want people to lick your lolli and you can’t suck on someone’s nookie? Wake up and smell the roses!

Case III
Dude complains his chick is not “a freak between the sheets” i.e she just lies there kama samaki angojeae kuparwa. The dude has never heard of foreplay in his life. His style ni ile ile moja ya mishenari. Piga mbili-tatu ndani nje huyooo shujaa ashawaasili. End of session. He grins triumphantly, thinking he has scored kabisaaaa. In the meantime the chick has been busy thinking of that new pair of shoes she has been eyeing, who is going to be braiding her hair since Ndunge moved to athi-river with the baby daddy, how she is going to get into that dress that is 2 sizes too small. She is jolted back by Mr mishenari’s question ‘how was I?’ chick’s mind is mbaliii she just says ati how? She realises oppps! mistake, wrong answer, she continues to say oh I loved it, you are my hero (puke) hugs the superman, falls asleep asap.

If you as a man would sit back and think, change your tactic (like you have one…smh) and be ready to try new things, you would not go around saying Kenyan mamaaz cant do things mzuri. Its like going to some gourmet restaurant and asking for mutura na matumbo na supu. Things don’t go that way. You have to pull up them socks. You can't plant potatoes and expect to reap buttered toast.