Taking it day by day

Beweave it....or not

2008-09-10T16:49:00.000+02:00

I have heard about the good things a weave can do to your hair...gives your real hair a break from all the combing, styling etc...you can change your look drastically...curly today, straight tomorrow...short today, shoulder length and even beyond the day after - from black to blond, red to brown, you have the money, you have the choice.

However, I am seeing women sporting some extremely shady weaves, weaves that look just BAD. you have natural hair then you add a STRAIGHT phoney pony yawa why now? you looked in the mirror and decided hiyo ndiyo best? Today I sat behind a woman whose screwed up weave looked like it had been partially gnawed away by a rodent. you could actually see the first track. I felt sad. Saa hiyo she is formally dressed going to the office perhaps.

Why? Cut the hair if you cant manage it jameni. Or get a good hairdresser who will weave you up nicely.

Alaaaa?!

2008-08-29T12:19:00.000+02:00

Agony is attending a bridal shower and the maid-of-honour is dishing out very silly advice to the bride-to-be

Agony is attending a bridal shower and drinks are flowing so you drink till you black out

The biggest agony is attending a bridal shower and then when the stripper comes you feel like asking "where is the rest of you" because he looks like an adolescent. but its all good, he had the moves but still, i appreciate a much taller, more muscular dude to do the dancing etc.

Love thy neighbour?

2008-07-09T08:58:00.002+02:00

Onesmus has been going out with Philomena for the last 4 years. 5 months ago they were blessed with a baby boy. The two decided, for the sake of the baby, to move in together. And that they did. Their relationship was a very odd one. No one knew whether they were in love or not…according to Philomena, the two found it weird to tell each other those three little words. Four whole years plus a baby and nothing like “I love you”. Wow! That is what I call dry fry now. The sex was good – you could tell by the way Philo would brighten up in the face when we asked her what makes her stay with him…knowing very well it wasn’t love. It was the sex. Philo is the one who used to support Onesmus financially so it wasn’t the money. Onesmus could give you dick until you saw unnamed planets. Toes curling. Goosebumps. Juices flowing. Gasps for breath. Tears of ecstasy. Out-of-this-world experiences. Sundays was their speciality. Spooning all day long. Exchanging body fluids. Explains why Philo’s phone was mostly off on Sundays.

And then they moved in and things started changing. Onesmus leaves home Friday night comes back Saturday wee hours – doesn’t want to be asked where, what, with whom, etc. Philomena grew tired of asking. Onesmus, seeing that he was on top of the game endelead with his tutabias. It is common courtesy to tell your other half that you will be late so that they don’t sit up all night long wondering whether you have been mugged or slaughtered. “Courtesy” to Onesmus’ was a Latin word…he lived as he pleased, did what he wanted when he wanted.

Recently, actually three weeks ago, Philomena hired a truck, packed her belongings (leaving behind a mattress and the TV, everything else was hers), her baby and house-girl and left crying. She had just found out that Onesmus had been shagging the next door neighbour. NEXT DOOR. Right in front of her nose. Out of one house, two steps, into the next house. Onesmus denied all this claiming nothing has been going on. Yeah right, like he used to go there to roast marshmallows? Smh.

Three days later he calls her to tell her she is overreacting about the neighbour, actually she should be worried about Anastasia (now the real clande)! You wonder WTF!!!? A day later he calls to say sorry, he said all that crap coz he was angry. Philomena looked at her phone and cut him off. She doesn't need trash in her life.

Explain

2008-06-12T13:54:00.002+02:00

One fine dude asked me just the other day: "What do you do in your free time?" I told him I read books. He gave me a puzzled look and went ahead to repeat his question trying to make me understand it: "No, I mean in your free time, you know, when you are not working." I nodded and said AGAIN that I read BOOKS. He just did not get it how one could READ in their free time. Still seeing his dissatisfaction with my answer I had to add that I like sewing (another crazy look from him) and that from time to time I hang out with my chick pals (contented look à la: phew, at least she's normal).

When did reading books get scrapped off from the list of things people do in their free time? Does having free time just mean you watch movies, go to the zoo, go to the beach? asii! I did not even bother asking him about the last book he read, coz I am sure I would have been told "ai me i dont read". Yeah, uses up too much brain juice hehehee.

Beer and free calls

2008-06-05T12:21:00.002+02:00

I think some people should be banned from drinking beer and thereafter make use of Safcoms free calls from 2100 to 0600. Just the other day, a male cousin of mine called me shortly before midnight. after a couple of rings I decided heck, lemme see who it is. I see cousin X's number. I wonder what he wants at that hour of the night...in my mind I had already thought of some bad news he was about to break. I say hello and he says hi and then proceeds to ask me why I never call him. He is drunk, speaks like he is trying to find words to make a complete sentence. I tell him that I have been busy kiasi but I will call him soon we plan a meet. He insists I tell him when exactly am I going to call him, I tell him next week before Wednesday. He says he will call me himself (yes, free calls from 2100). Then out of the blue he goes on to say aki your voice is so mzuri, kweli you have a sexy voice - if it were not for us being related "ningepita na wewe". with that, he hang up. I stared at my phone for a couple of seconds wondering wtf?! Don't forget, we are first first cousins. smh.

Overheard

2008-05-29T10:54:00.003+02:00

So I am sitting reading a novel and this guy behind me starts speaking to a friend who is seated like 3 metres away: "Musa, I am almost lost my wallet imagine".
I shut my book and smiled :-) kaka ongea kiswahili bana - kithungu kigumu mno.

Guy sitting next to me fishes out his mobile phone and goes like: "Hi, I am in Nairobi right now. The next time you send me such a text message, I will come there, tear you and your friend apart. Don't joke with me."
A shiver runs down my spine.

Of direct translations

2008-05-19T13:36:00.000+02:00

You are in bed with your man, just about to get your cookie munched. You are on top doing good things to his swollen member and then you hear the man say, "sweetie, wear me a condom." What do you do?

My friend heard that line and burst out laughing, her man thought she was rude so sessions for that night and a couple of subsequent nights were cancelled. She had a task and a half making sure that the mzee understood that she was not laughing at his whatevers but that she found that ka-line funny. Direct translation kabisa "switii nivishe kondom." These are the same ones who go saying "i didnt knew".

Well, at least we can give him 10 marks for thinking "safe sex".

A dress, a bag, shoes

2008-05-14T17:40:00.000+02:00

I have been attending weddings quiet often of late. I have two coming up in the two coming weekends. I am beginning to get tired. Not of the weddings, I LOVE weddings (cause of the cake). I am getting tired of thinking of what to wear to a wedding. I cannot repeat a dress - that is simply out. I have a couple of dresses that I am yet to wear so for now I am covered. But then what happens when another one comes up? The whole procedure of thinking what dress, what shoes, which handbag, which accessories, which undies aiii too much! Maybe I am thinking toooo much but can I stop?

That is how you end up with two pairs of brown shoes that ALMOST look alike. And then I start wondering why I can't wear knee-high boots to a wedding. Sigh. I just know I need a nice pair of verrrry red shoes for a wedding in August. and maybe some red undies. ohhh retail therapy. and red accessories. or black? hmmmm.

About cookies

2008-05-05T10:58:00.000+02:00

We all know one thing: When you eat crumbly cookies, you will definitely leave behind crumbs after you are done. If you don't want anyone to know you ate cookies, just make those crumbs disappear. Ah well. Cookies anyone?!

Snack away

2008-04-27T15:27:00.001+02:00

There is a place at Prestige Plaza that’s called Swahili Plate. I had been told that I’d find most swa snacks there. At first I was sceptical. The few times I have eaten bhajias here in Nairobi I have been left wondering why I just didn’t fry battered potatoes at home.

The place has awesome viazi vya karai, mahamri (not maandazi) vibibi, kaimati, mkate wa sinia, bhajia za Kiswahili (I prefer bhajia za kihindi though) and to top it all they make the real ukwaju to go with the viazi karai. Damn! I have never been happier. And there was some masala tea to wash down all that! So Nakeel, si you mentioned something about ukwaju? Now?

The prices aren’t thaaaat bad. A dozen of kaimati goes for 120kshs. Kaimati moja 12 bob. A bit outrageous but this is Nairobi, I guess it’s allowed. In Mombasa you go selling kaimati moja 12 bob utaufilisika a.s.a.p. – those things go for max 2 bob.

I heard they serve biriani – have to try that out next time I am there.

7 months later...

2008-04-25T09:49:00.003+02:00

...the dust and cobwebs that have settled here - eish too much.
Ma'am will be back
with a new broom
to sweep.
In the meantime,
let me go
and find
blog mojo
seriously.

Wataka mteja????

2007-09-18T09:27:00.001+02:00

Yesterday at around 1900hrs I was standing outside Simmers waiting patiently for someone to chuck we go. A dude came up to me and asked if he can get me a customer saa hiyo hiyo! Then he proceeded to show me a Pakistani dude who was wearing those manguoz of theirs. My goodness, I had to laugh…. I could pass for a whore? Wearing decent jeans and a sweater with a high neckline up to there?

He did not get the chance to mention a price since I had to leave. Note to self: don’t stand outside Simmers alone looking like you are about to go get.....

When Chatterly met Twaddlie

2007-09-06T11:11:00.000+02:00

Based on a true story

Was in a theatre far away from you

Tuesday

Chatterly gets to hear that Twaddlie is in town. She gets her telephone numbers and texts the chick to invite her for lunch the following day. Twaddlie says yes, so with the date set, Chatterly starts to think of what to wear. She discards those thoughts coz even with a suitcase full of clothes that fit she still moans “sina nguo za kuvaa”.

Tuesday night, no dreams of kissing a certain KBW dude…and the way I had waited hmmmm!

Wednesday

Chatterly calls Twaddlie. Twaddlie picks, Chatts hears nothing coz of the background music. She wonders eish kwani Twaddlie ako hanye this early ama what? Twaddlie says she’ll call back in an hour. Chatts texts Twaddlie to tell her they meet at XYZ at 1 pm. Twaddlie kumbe ako nail parlour….she getting her nails did for Miss Chatts (her 20 nails were looking vibrantly cute, same applies to …mujijazie)

11 o’clock, Chatts still has no idea what to wear. 1130 Chatterly now KNOWS what to wear, she hits the shower…scrubs herself to ecstasy and proceeds to get dressed. By the time she has worn her kitenge Kaunda suit, by the time she has jazaad hair glo to her curly kit, by the time she has made sure that half of the contents of her bottle of Bint el Sudan perfume is on her it is already past twelve, and she has to commute from the end of the world to the meeting point. Kumbe Twaddlie also doesn’t keep time…so we end up hooking up at 1400.

At first sight

Chatts arrived at the meeting point only to find herself alone. Phone call to madam, she says 3.5 minutes and I will be therrr. And sure enough 3.5 minutes later, I see a chick catwalking towards me! What a sight! Tiny braids left open, cute shades, big sweeeet smile. Chick was wearing a hot pant and a tubetop and some pretty sandals and lovely jewellery. Me and my kitenge Kaunda suit si we felt like villagers? After a nice warm hug, with me towering all over her little self we giggled shyly and started bonding as we walked towards this place where i was going to treat her for lunch.

Twaddlie….take it from there yeah? Please?

Minus rubs

2007-08-30T12:21:00.000+02:00

You know you are in serious need of a goood lay when your dreams are like this for 2 consecutive nights:
Monday night:
Dreamt I got laid by my primary school deskmate. His dick?! HUGE...I woke up the following morning with a huge smile.
Tuesday night:
Dream number 1: I snogged the living daylights out of a KBW dude! I will not mention names but dude.....i kissed you vi-proper mpaka i felt weweee! aiiiii wacha tu!
Dream number two i was flirting with Denzel W. ama was he flirting with me?

This heat makes you want things that you are not getting. hmmmmm.

Overheard

2007-08-22T11:43:00.000+02:00

Jumapili last found me sipping tu-drinks with some youngsters. Katika ile hali ya kuchapa story dame fulani akataja kwamba usiku kuna ile movie iitwayo GOTHIKA. Chali yake karukia mwenyewe shujaa wacha aanze kueleza jinsi that movie was so nice...Madam Halle Berry ni kidosho na she was the first black woman to win an oscar. Bahati mbaya kijana akaendelea kuongea mpaka akaharibu mchuzi kwa kusema ati GOTHIKA ndio huyo Halle Berry alishinda nayo hiyo Oscar!

I just looked at him and said nil. From what i know Monster's Ball ndio ilimshindia hiyo Oscar ama dunia ilibadilika na mimi mzala sina habari?!

Blogging from elsewhere

2007-08-20T08:49:00.006+02:00

From now on i will be blogging from Mombasa. Place is hot and wet. Spoken to a couple of bloggers, one wanted to hang up the phone because of my waithera accent but he vumiliad tu :-) si u know yourserof mai tia?
Coming to nai soon - would luv to hook up with some of you - will let you know when i am there. kusema kweli blogging imenitoka sina hamu lakini nitajaribu - there is just too much funniness going on here mpaka unabaki umeshangaa sana.

Random 8

2007-07-24T21:35:00.000+02:00

So I got myself tagged by 3 types of crazy and Unyc and after a looooong while here we go with my 8:

1) I don’t like going to restaurants with people who cannot CHOOSE what they want to eat they have to ASK the other people they are with. Yaani you want to tell me that person who ends up choosing for you knows what you feel like eating ama how?

2) I don’t understand how one goes to the same restaurant over and over and over again when there are thousands of other restaurants that are just as good or even better. It even gets worse when one orders the same dish every time he/she is there. Don’t you want to taste anything else? Don’t you?

3) I don’t understand chicks who SHAVE OFF all their eyebrows only to come back with their eyebrow pencils and draw either a crooked line or a wicked line up to there. It looks tacky, weird, grotesque, BAD.

4) I am currently craving frog thighs – when well cooked, they are a delicacy…I am yet to have a taste of that and confirm. Where do I get a frog? Who will kill that frog for me and dissect it and give me just the tu-thayoz bila the webbed feet? UNYC mchinja kuku are you good with froggies?

5) I have the habit of looking at people and wondering whether they are single or married or widowed, how they are in bed, whether they have debts, whether they are psycho etc. It is just a way of passing time.

6) I don’t think I will ever have enough shoes. There are times I just wear my high heels and underwear and nothing else – that is bliss. The first thing I think about when I have some money is shoes. When I am stressed I think of buying new shoes. When I pass an exam I think of shoes. I would rather have l00 pairs of shoes than have 100 dresses.

7) I always have cold feet so to keep them warm I ALWAYS wear socks when I am indoors. Summer or winter - it doesn't matter. I can sleep naked but my socks have to be worn, otherwise I won’t sleep a wink. Even when matters get horizontal, I have to have my socks on.

8) I put cheese in my ugali and icecream in my oatmeal. Sounds weird but damn, those things are gooooooooooooood.

Done!

hmmmmm

2007-07-01T23:35:00.000+02:00

I was listening to this gal who is going away on vacation to Thailand and she was going on and on and on about how she is looking forward to the great weather, the great cuisine and eating pineapples straight from the tree.

Since when did they start growing on trees? I almost asked her if she ever saw pineapples dangling from a tree but i just kept quiet and let her ramble.

Now I am just thinking of pineapple trees. tihihih.

Another Kenyan Bash

2007-06-18T20:02:00.000+02:00

Saturday ilimpata Chatterly akijipodoa getting ready to go out to a Kenyan bash. Make-up done, hair done, trousers tight enough, high heels miguuni na kibeti mkononi. So I leave the house at 2230hrs, off to hook up with another buddy at his place where we wait for another chick buddy to join us then we leave together shortly before midnight. We hop into a taxi and in 5 minutes we are at the venue. From then on it was a downhill trip.

1. Music
the music itself was not bad but the dj??? Yuck! He plays a song for 30 seconds then interrupts to talk about sijui nini nini. Who told him we wanted useless chitchat at 1 am? Despite telling him to cut the crap, the dude could not keep his words to himself. And the way I had the energy to dance eish spoiler mtupu.

2. Food
There was food (you buy, you eat…hakuna cha bure). The samosas looked raw, tasted like mince beef stew with peas and chapo, they were drenched in oil yaani mafuta haiishi no matter how hard you squeeze the samosa. I saw some chicken and some rice…did not touch any of that though…one samosa was enough for the night.

3. Men
Same old same old, men wearing tshirts 5 sizes too big with shorts larger than XL and sneakers. One of them was wearing jeans bonge na smart shirt and a sleeveless sweater – the place is warm and he wears a sweater for what? And to top it all…he was wearing sunglasses, at night. Now what is that? Kujiskia mjanja na hiyo trouser bonge umeikazia belt hapo kwa waist mpaka imekaa kama mahando?

Then there were some old dudes hovering about…I am sure one of them was 80 years old – I don’t know what I will be doing when I am 80 but surely I wont be hanging out at such loud parties.

And the drunks? Plenty of them….you admit you are drunk but you are still holding a bottle. Smh si you stop basi?

4. Women.
a) the drunkard
this one has drunk so much, she can’t dance but still she insists on swaying on the dance floor with an equally drunk mate. Another one was too drunk to hold her dinner down she ended up puking – I saw her in the loo and she was telling me she needs some fresh air then she will be ok…I almost asked her nani alimwambia naweka rekodi ya wale wanaotaka fresh air? I silently looked at her as she staggered out.

b) the jealous drunkard
this one chick really amazed me. Dressed in a belt masquerading as a skirt, showing us her waithera legs, teetering on her hoochie mama stiletto sandals and blondish braids. She was at the bash with her boyfie…I know the boyfriend since kitambo and he had told me he would come to the bash with chick so I can meet her, me I had just heard that the dude is sooo into her. When I saw her I thought the dude was joking, unfortunately he wasn’t – that chick got drunker and drunker by the hour and every time the boyfie talked to another chick, she would appear from nowhere and start touching touching the boyfie or sit on his lap or pull him away so that they can go and ongea. The boy kinda got pissed off coz he came asking us why women act all dumb when they get drunk-I told him I am sober bro…uliza mlevi akueleze heheheh. Later that evening she was up at the podium whispering sweet nothings to the crappy dj…me I saw her butt, and so did all the others who were observing things :-)

c) baby gap shoppers
there are those who are naturally petite and therefore wear size small or extra small. Sasa kama wewe ni mkubwa kama nyumba, please, si kwa ubaya…just buy clad that fit you, wearing small nguoz wont make you thinner, you end up looking ridiculous.

d) band sisters
just coz you are best friends doesn’t mean you have to wear the same clad unless you belong to some band. Same black shorts (by the way I think there were more than 5 chicks in short shorts), same tiger print tshirt and same combat print stilettos, same screaming out loud whenever a song starts playing (I can imagine how sore their throats are).

e) advisory board
One chick was asking me why I don’t have mzungu boyfie as she is engaged to one. I shangaad kwani only mzungu makes boyfie? I was advised to open my eyes (like they were closed smhhhh) and I should not even think of going to settle down in Kenya coz I have been here too long and I will NOT fit in. asiii? I shangaad tu. Kwanza who told her I needed advice? Kila mtu na flavour yake…I like my men chocolate so yeye na vanilla yake anyamazie huko tu.

After seeing so much and hearing just as much, I think I am done with Kenyan parties – there is nothing new happening even if you go to such parties once a year, you will see the same people, same music will be played and since it’s the same dj, you will still get pissed off like last year. Goodbye Kenyan bashes.

Cousin Boaz

2007-06-04T12:22:00.000+02:00

Cousin Boaz is a spoilt boy. Ok, he is not a boy...he is a grown man. All i know is that he earns his living selling cars, i highly doubt it though. Boaz moved out of his mum's house to live alone. Funny thing is that the mum is the one paying his rent. How twisted is that?

Anyway, one day Boaz decided to marry and on a fine december day relatives & friends gathered to celebrate the colorful occasion. Kumbe Boaz married a wolf in sheep's clad. Apparently the chick is a whore. Immediately after the wedding, she started showing her true colors...coming home at 2 in the morning, not dishing out the goodies to the husband, doing nothing at all in the house and when Boaz asked why, the chick would beat him up! The chick doesn't want to be asked about her whereabouts. Swali langu ni: kwani she thinks you get married and continue malayaing as usual? what did she think when she said "i do"? she was certainly aware that seriousness is beginning then ama she thought she was dreaming?

Two months after a weird marriage life, madam moved out of the marital home. She is now being seen with her lover, a certain politician. How sad is that? i ask myself what courtship is all about. isn't it the time before marriage when both sides get to know each other? you find out as much as possible about you future better half and make up your mind about spending the rest of your life with them? was Boaz high all through this period? so high that he could not see the signs that there was something twisted about the girl? ama he was marrying just for the sake? for the sake of what, i wonder. now that would be too crazy.

Shindwe!

2007-05-21T12:37:00.000+02:00

There is a rapist in the building i live in. wajameni i am scared of ingiaring lift and finding a dude tu hapo - i think i am getting paranoid, and the way kuna times i get home late in the night :-(
Kuna mtu ameandika kwa ka-paper akaiweka kwa lift. ati kuna mrepist fulani alikuwa kwa building sato sijui anajifanya anatafuta meeting you handicapped pple. he was wearing a beard and a jacket. now how many men wear jackets and beards in that building? that was on saturday at around 15hrs. apparently he has been in the building more than once, and he is coming back to his "crime scene". goodness gracious, who can teach me karate faster faster? or give me instructions on how to mix my own pepper spray?
and then jana naingia lift hivi another dude enters and finds me reading that ka-notice so he also starts reading and then he asks me who wrote it. Dude kwani mimi ni secretary wa huyo mrepist jameni nitajuaje...kwanza nikimcheki vizuri i just felt like jumping off the lift and using the staircase - but wajuaje hangojei masupuu huko staircase? na kama u are living in the 11th floor na amekutime tu hapo 10th na vile ukifika hapo utakuwa umechoka kama punda hata energy ya kupiga nduru utaitoa wapi?
i am just crossing my fingers, scared.

tag tag tag

2007-05-15T16:23:00.000+02:00

Kuitikia mwito wa Aegeus let me andika the reasons why i blog

1. i blog to share what is happening in my life. just sharing a little bit, ile ya surface tu maana nikisema naanza hadithi za mwaki hii blog tutaifunga.

2. i blog coz i have the time to. it keeps me busy when i have nothing to do or when i have stuff to do and i dont feel like getting it done.

3. i am practising speed typing on my blog (a lie)

4. i blog to interact with other bloggers, laugh with them, get to know them, do other things with them (nione kando)

5. i blog so that i can write about what is happening in other people's lives. since they dont have blogs, and i find their stories interesting i blog about them :-) mambo ya watu wengine hunishangaza mpaka yabidi niblog ndio initoke kichwani.

kwa haya machache, please consider yourself tagged:

Unyc
Mwangi
3N
Ichiena
Three types of crazy
Klara

Twice tagged

2007-05-11T18:26:00.000+02:00

After being tagged by Mwangi and by Kirima, i think it is high time i andikaad 7 things that make Chatterly.

My 7even

1. I hate explaining simple things 126 times to someone who is not shikaing mita. I usually feel like taking out and whip from heaven knows where and whipping sense into them.

2. I am pathetic when it comes to keeping time sometimes. I usually intend to be on time but funny enough I somehow never make it.

3. I think a lot about sex.

4. I opted to go to boarding school when I was in class 7 because I could then have all the freedom to play like there is no tomorrow. And play I did….so much that my grades took a nose dive – funny enough no one asked any questions – lucky enough I decided to become a day scholar in class 8 third term…that really did a lot for my twisted grades.

5. I plan to go back to school someday, though sometimes I think if I ever get married and get kids – I will gladly stay at home and be mommy :- ) or at least try that stay-at-home-thing.

6. There was a time in primary school when I was given money to pay for one term’s lunch. Since my small sister and I had had enough of rice/cabbage/stew/beans etc I kept the cash in my desk and that whole term we ate fries for lunch. We were in heaven.

7. I am my dad’s favourite (in his world yes). I don’t like him one bit – I just haven’t told him that.

i guess kila mtu has been tagged :-) kama haujatagiwa basi jua uko officially tagged!

Bila

2007-04-17T10:25:00.000+02:00

I decided to leave the train and go on a roller-coaster ride. After three months of loops twists turns ups and downs I was thrown out. I was told very kindly to go because I deserved to be on a better roller-coaster, one that had more thrills, more loops and higher highs. The one I was on wasn’t sure if it would hold in the future – not that it was rickety or anything, it was just not sure about what was coming, considering this global warming thing - everything is possible. And so I was given back my ticket. I cried and cried until I started all over again. I truly enjoyed the ride. We did not have lots of change to buy candy floss and soda but the bar of chocolate was enough. I was happy. I cared. I gave. And I really gave. I listened. I was nice. Maybe I was too nice.

In short, I was dumped a week ago and now I am on the bilaz train. Nakeel, I hope you are off my seat and you replenished my goody bag.

pic courtesy of:http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y87/searchinx/heartbroken.jpg

Random thoughts II

2007-03-28T16:58:00.000+02:00

In this age where image seems to be everything, I think some people are taking it a huge bit too far. Almost everyone wants the latest clothes, no matter the price – some would rather wallow in debt than not have the latest Gucci, Prada etc shoe that some celebrity chick was wearing. Kids nowadays are getting that fever, and it is not just the labels, the bling and such, it is getting worse – cosmetic surgery is becoming the in thing.

There is a sixteen (16) year old girl who went for liposuction. At 16, my mind was not on such things – by then I was in form 2, in boarding school, feeling miserable cause the diet was horrible. I do not know how many of you had been considering cosmetic surgery then, I just know my mind was not in that area.

This chick’s mum paid for her liposuction…about three thousand euros. And she is not even batting an eyelid. I am not a mother, but the day my 16 year old will come to me and tell me she wants some liposuction, God forbid…. I will slap the dumbness away. The girl weighs less than 60kgs, and there is absolutely no need for such crap, but since the daughter wants, the mummy has to cough up the monies so that the daughter is satisfied. A few days after surgery, the friends come to see her and they stand in front of a mirror oooohhhing and aaaaahing say how slender the thighs look. Aren’t thighs supposed to be fleshy?

This same girl has undergone cosmetic surgery before, when she was 14-15 to correct her nose. Now I am left wondering what kind of values this woman is trying to instil in her daughter. Isn’t she just cementing that foolish notion in the kid’s mind that image is everything? The next thing that is coming is a boob job, then a face lift, then … why the craziness?!

Put zero, get zero

2007-03-13T13:52:00.000+01:00

Shiro left a comment on my last post and commented on “men’s conservatism” in bedroom matters. I must say she really had a point. We always hear men complaining that Kenyan tumamas have nothing to offer when it comes to the manenos. Men forget that this is a two way thing, and you only get as much as you put in.

Case I
A man has a flourishing bush in his boxers, he still expects head, he has no idea what kind of pungent fumes can emanate from such a bushy area after a hard day’s work and couple of baada ya kazi vinywajiz. Every time dude is getting his freak on with his babe, he starts those tactics of ‘let-me-direct-your-head-elsewhere’, the chick knows what there is down there so she just gives him one look, the famous ‘una wazimu?’ kind of looks. That story of head is lengwaad. The dame has nothing against giving head but she is not ready to start weeding someone's shamba in the process, we all know how disgusting it is to give someone head and always having to stop so that you can pick out the wiry hairs that have found their way into the mouth, some are even threatening to choke the poor babe coz they are stuck in the throat! and at that point the dude has the audacity of saying "babe, go on, dont stop banaa".
One lazy Sunday, after dude has taken a shower, he stands in front of the girl in all his hairy glowreh and starts wiping himself. Chick is disgusted by the manywelez that are tapakaaring all over the place she just says “Nanii, si you trim your hairiness?” At that point, dude kodoaz macho like someone has insulted him, he says “No way, kwani mimi ni gay?”
HAIYA?!?!!! What does this dude eat for breakfast? Who told him it is only gays who trim/shave off their pubic hair? And then he wonders why he gets no head?
If this is not being conservative to the core, then I do not have a name for it.

Case II
Dude is with a chick getting ready for sensuous moments. He is withstanding foreplay because he knows he is getting head at one point or another. Chick gives dude head, dude is enjoying to the maximum….after a while, chick slides up to the man and whispers to the man ‘my turn now’, dude shangaaz, eish my turn gain hii sasa tena? Dame has to spell it out. I-would-love-it-if-you-went-down-on-me. Dude kunjaz his face it’s like the chick has brought pliers to bed as part of foreplay. He spits out some ‘me I don’t do that, I just cant, never have never will, I am like that’ with that, story imeisha, no discussion. Chick says she is no longer in the mood, dude gets pissed atii dem kichwa ngumu anakatsia njaro.
Dude, you want people to lick your lolli and you can’t suck on someone’s nookie? Wake up and smell the roses!

Case III
Dude complains his chick is not “a freak between the sheets” i.e she just lies there kama samaki angojeae kuparwa. The dude has never heard of foreplay in his life. His style ni ile ile moja ya mishenari. Piga mbili-tatu ndani nje huyooo shujaa ashawaasili. End of session. He grins triumphantly, thinking he has scored kabisaaaa. In the meantime the chick has been busy thinking of that new pair of shoes she has been eyeing, who is going to be braiding her hair since Ndunge moved to athi-river with the baby daddy, how she is going to get into that dress that is 2 sizes too small. She is jolted back by Mr mishenari’s question ‘how was I?’ chick’s mind is mbaliii she just says ati how? She realises oppps! mistake, wrong answer, she continues to say oh I loved it, you are my hero (puke) hugs the superman, falls asleep asap.

If you as a man would sit back and think, change your tactic (like you have one…smh) and be ready to try new things, you would not go around saying Kenyan mamaaz cant do things mzuri. Its like going to some gourmet restaurant and asking for mutura na matumbo na supu. Things don’t go that way. You have to pull up them socks. You can't plant potatoes and expect to reap buttered toast.

This Tetezzo Website.

2007-02-26T15:28:00.000+01:00

I read Mwangi’s post about Kenyan women not knowing how to dish malovings. Thank God that this kind lady Gertrude Mungai is out there helping those who are failing in the department of sex. Since she even has a website, curious Chatterly decide to dive in wholeheartedly in a bid to see if things had changed since she last dished.
www.tetezzo.net
A website in pink, very girly, si it’s for the ladies bana? There is information but I will not say it’s so much to the point it will turn your love life around. It is just the usual: communication, hygiene, foreplay etc. Since the website is not there to give free info in detail you have to go for the classes yourself. They offer STRIPE tease, which Acolyte talked about. Since the advert says-for married women, what about those who are single and are willing to learn how to work the pole?
The website is full of spelling mistakes to the point that it is not hilarious. Whoever did it was in a great hurry. One word: PROOFREAD!
Then there are sections you cannot read unless you are a member. Since I am keen to learn, I register and within 3 minutes I am a tetezzo-babe. I rush to click the link “check out our new side to side position” I am dismayed when I am told “your credit balance is low”. Now what?! After signing in I just saw that my credit balance is 0/=, I wondered ati credo ni ya nini?
I am then told to click a certain link that will show me instructions for reloading my account. I am then told to call a certain number and top up my account. Each time I top up, my account is credited with KES 70.
That is where the fun stopped. What information is worth 70 bob? I just wanted to take a look at that side to side of theirs. Who is going to pay 70 bob to see sex styles when I can see them online free of charge?
Furthermore you can send questions and get expert answers, but to do that you have to have credit!
They also have recipes. Change that to recipe because they just have ONE recipe. And they sell herbal toothpaste worth 600KES which you should buy if you are tired of his foul breath.
Jobs section is still empty. I will be checking that section to see what kind of jobs they are offering. STRIPE tease instructor? Interesting interesting.

Random thoughts: 1

2007-02-21T14:59:00.000+01:00

Case of a woman…
Ever since you discovered sex, your main aim was to enjoy it to the fullest without getting pregnant bila plan (among other things) so you religiously took the pill/used condoms/had a coil inserted etc. When your period delayed – just 2-3 days you would panic and start hitting the replay button to see whether there was any one time you might have forgotten to protect. You review your whole lifestyle; maybe it’s the stress, change of diet, illness, change of climate etc.

The time then comes when you want a baby, you drop the pill, throw them condoms away, say goodbye coil welcome to the raw world! You invest in sexy lingerie, invest in folic acid pills, multivitamin pills and drop all your nasty habits such as smoking, drinking alcohol, and you start eating healthy meals, cut down on salt and all the fat. You approach baby-making like it’s a whole new art, the in-thing (kama sutra is just a beginner's guide to you).
Months turn to a year or two or more - nothing happens. Alarmed, you eventually go to the gynaecologist and you hear the sad words “Nanii, you are incapable of having a child because of blah and blahblah…”

What do you feel at that moment - well, apart from the obvious devastation? Do you think of the money you wasted back then trying to keep conception at bay? Do you feel cheated by nature coz all along you ‘assumed’ you were capable of bearing offspring? Is it better to go for a fertility test now and save yourself the agony later? Or is it better to deal with the fact that you are infertile later?
Just thinking.

The weekend that was (to be)

2007-02-18T22:02:00.000+01:00

Mref and I had mighty plans for the weekend...not just horizontal ones, we wanted to meet, get to know each other better and even much better. Due to certain circumstances, i did not get the chance to play *Wonderful Hostess* this weekend. Someone missed out on yummy chapoz and more. Don't worry my blog friend, we will meet when you are through with whatever you are doing.

I got this funny pic from http://photos1.blogger.com/img/139/5535/1024/love%20is7%20%282%29.jpg
there are many more, crazier ones there.

Desperate measures

2007-02-07T15:34:00.000+01:00

There has been a documentary on BBC about a 37 year old girl/lady/spinster/woman who is single and very keen on getting married. We all know, if you don’t go out to meet people, you will not meet mr right. So the girl sets out to find her prince charming. In the beginning she had this long list of somewhat twisted things she expected from her husband-to-be. Mark you she was not just looking for a boyfriend, she was looking for a man to marry. When you are selling beans, let the whole world know – by advertising; and advertising she did.

First thing was to hook up with as many men as she could. In 70 days she had gone out with 55 men. Wasn’t that exhausting? Going almost every night – drinking partying movies dinner etc. Goodness! Don’t you get tired of the dates? Each night with another dude? Energetic woman. According to her friend, a *dating expert* a girl meets (not just give the eye etc-seriously meeting, go out on a date etc) an average of 480 men before finding the one man whose right for her. I must say i was astounded. Those of you out there who are married/in relationships...did you go out with that many men till you eventually found HIM? i think not.

One time she went to a wedding dress store to try on some dresses, was photographed in one of them and had this gigantic poster made out of that pic! Then she hired a lorry stuck her poster on it and went around town in the lorry to recruit marriageables! I must say I was amazed; how desperate are you to put yourself through all that?! She even asked a stranger on the street what he thinks about it – the dude said (out of courtesy I suppose) “oh, it’s a brilliant idea (the expression on his face said something else though!), but it is a little bit too way over the top – for me”. Poor dude.

That was just one of the few weird things she did in her quest to conquer mr husband. Sad thing is, she did not get a man to marry her at the end of it all – though there were 3-4 suitable partners that she was going to consider dating one of them seriously. One of them even told her that whatever she is doing is not so magnificent – going out each and every other night with different men. How would she feel if she had the hots for a guy and she was number three on his list of women he was seeing? Chick had no answer.

Desiccated coconut and shoes

2007-01-26T11:45:00.000+01:00

There is this chick I work with…she is 4’ 11” tall at the most, has a temper as short as herself and very weird sense of fashion. There are times when you greet her in the morning she will just look at you like a wall and say nothing. It’s not just me, another chick also experienced the same wizard treatment, so I am not hating.

This chick is pale…whenever I look at her, I automatically think of desiccated coconut. I wonder what she will remind me of in summer….maybe like grated parmesan??? I am yet to see. So! Recently chick walked into the office, her usual walking style is *let-the-whole-office-know-I-am-coming* and she ALWAYS wears high heels (I wonder why)-you can imagine the commotion. Since she was wearing a skirt that day, I managed to take a look at her shoes.

She certainly wears size 36 or 37 (size 3-4) but on that day, she had worn a pair that was 1-2 sizes bigger!!! If those were boots, no one would have noticed but they were pumps, so I could see this ridiculous huge gap back there. I just wondered…how do you wear shoes that are too big for you and go out of the house? Yaani you go to the shop, don’t find shoes that fit you and get the available size? It’s not like your feet are going to grow any bigger….in the mid/late twenties??? Ama were those her sister’s/friend’s/neighbour’s shoes? Each time she walked into the office I could not help but stare at her shoes. I found it muy ridiculous.

this shoe this shoe this shoe, i dream it breath it want it want it so bad, it looks so nice. hmmmmm.

About Sam

2007-01-14T16:27:00.000+01:00

There is this dude, Sam, who is 37 years old, has a job, was once married and the funny thing is, he still lives at home, with mum and dad. As far as i know, the parents are not ill coz we could say he lives with them coz they are sick and he doesnt want to leave them. Sam had a wife, who in the beginning tolerated living with the in-laws. She thought they were going to move out shortly afterwards but lo! that was not to be, when she got fed up she told him to choose - either they move to their own place or she walks. Walk she did and Sam is now a single man.

Mother-in-law had perfected the art of walking into their bedroom just then when they were eating each others muff, you can imagine how embarassing that was. this same mother has access to his son's bank account-don't ask why-and she can throw fits anytime she pleases coz in her opinion Sam spends his money not so wisely.

You might be asking yourselves why Sam doesnt move out. He is tied down to that house like a tent to the ground. Since the parents bought that house and are making monthly payments, he is also chipping in. And he just can't say he doesn't have money this month so he aint paying. His parents have even told him they will sue him if he decides to move out and stop paying coz he has signed a contract with them. How now? And those are his parents?

Wajameni?!

2006-12-19T16:37:00.000+01:00

Since I have lots of time, my evenings are spent infront of my box, otherwise known as kompyuta. I was surfing the web and saw face creams containing hydroquinone. We all know that hydroquinone is harmful, and that it is banned in several countries but still, there are culprits out there making concoctions containing this shyte. And people are still going on to quench their weird need to be yellow-yellow. I went on to wikipedia and gosh, the things people do with hydroquinone, I just had to shake my head and wonder.

Anal bleaching is the practice of bleaching the darker pigmentation of the skin around the anus for cosmetic purposes. A cream is used containing around 2% hydroquinone (a suspected carcinogen banned by several countries including France and the UK)as an active ingredient.

I have heard of people bleaching their faces/bodies,getting botox jabs,some going for liposuction, tummy tucks, chin & cheek implants, nose jobs, boob jobs, and even one guy who went to have his calves enhanced. I know the world is full of wonders, but this one is a new one that I never knew about. Yaani you go buy those concoctions so that you can apply it to your tush so that it can ng’ara? Dammmmmn!

We all know what happens when you stop bleaching your face. How the f*ck does it look like when you stop bleaching ‘it’?????

Train station bound girl

2006-12-10T14:34:00.000+01:00

When you sense danger, you know it is time to take your running shoes, put them on and tie them laces tight and sprint. I have sensed danger, my shoes are on and I am a-sprinting - I am not even looking back, there is nothing to look at.

I will be at the train station before christmas to catch the B-Train. Dear passengers on board, please spare me a window seat.

More later, have to run.

Crazy ass flat-mate

2006-12-01T20:29:00.000+01:00

My flat mate moved in a month ago, things have been ok until now. I don't know what she smokes in her room, but I can say it is not doing her any good. She is becoming forgetful, extremely forgetful mpaka I am left wondering eish nini mbaya bwana.

Two weeks ago, she went to the supermarket and forgot her cellphone at the counter. Luckily, the lady at the counter kept it aside, hoping that the owner would come back for it. Flat-mate got home then she realised she had forgotten her phone kwa supermarket, she had to go back and get it, lucky her coz the woman kept it, what if someone would have seen it and taken it?

This week has been the worst. Monday morning chick left the house before me, two minutes later she came back, ringing my bell and banging on the door. I opened, she said she was sorry, she had forgotten her keys. Tuesday night I went to bed at around 10 pm, she left for her night rounds...shortly after she left my doorbell started buzzing. Damnnn! . I had to get down from bed, throw something on to cover my nude self there she was again, all sorry coz she had, agaaaaaain forgotten her keys. I gave her the eye and told her that's not normal, how do you forget ur keys everyday? kwani umerogwa? eish!!!?

Come Wednesday night, at around 11pm, chick left. I was expecting to hear her knocking after 3 minutes but nope! Ahhh chick remembered her keys this time right? Wrong! At around 2am I heard my bell, I thought I was dreaming, so I continued sleeping. Then I heard a banging on the door and another buzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I just could not believe my ears. Yaani you come and knock on my door, buzzzzz my bell for like 10 minutes expecting me to open the door because you left your keys???? You expect me to wake up at that hour of the morning? seriously, kwani you are my huzzy? I turned around and continued sleeping. I was not going to be part of that bullcrap. Chick had to go downstairs to another dude who has a master key (apparently, she has locked herself out before and since Chatterly wasn't in the house to let her in, she had to go to the guy).

She has been quiet of late....i thought she would ask me if i heard her buzzing me, I would have said yes I heard a buzz but I thought it was in my dreams so I kept on sleeeeeeeping :-)

Nice weekend, and don't forget ya keys!

Last night's dream

2006-11-18T19:12:00.000+01:00

Last night I dreamt of San Pedro....wrong, not la isla bonita lyrics. Well, last night I dreamt that I had a baby. I remember giving birth bila complications, yaani the birth was as easy as brushing teeth. Three days after giving birth to my baby, it still had no name. I was still wondering what name to give it. How crazy is that? You have nine whole months to think about names and what do you do? zubaa.

You might be wondering why I keep saying *baby* and not telling whether it was a boy or a girl. I don't know :-( in the dream I just know I had a baby, but I can't remember if it was a boy or a girl. Funny thing is, the baby wasn't staying with me at home, it was still in hospital...i wonder why :-(

Baby daddy unknown. I was trying to put two and two together. There are two brothers whom I went to primary school with, I can't tell which one planted his seed in me though!? I never slept with any of them neither in the real world nor in the dreamworld.

*************************************

This afternoon, as I sat in the tram going home, a man got in and heaven knows where that man had been. He was smelling, stinking, reeking of everything evil. Thank God he alighted at the next stop. yuck! yuck! yuuuuuck!!!

*************************************

Today I baked a very delicious chocolate cake. I am just waiting for it to cool down then I can show it who the boss is:-)

What a loss

2006-11-11T22:37:00.000+01:00

Death has decided to snatch yet another great musician. This is a man who could sing mpaka you felt yessssss! this is the real thing. How sad:-(

Rest in peace GL.

Tag along

2006-10-25T12:22:00.000+02:00

Every now and then you hear a man complain about how he invited a girl to a date and she came with her pals who would just sit there, eat and giggle. I have a different story to tell. I have been invited to dates by 3 different men and they all had a buddy tagging along :-(

This is a very weird situation because at a certain point you even forget you are on a date...you just feel like you are out with some friends. There is no way you can talk serious stuff coz of Bob over there who is listening attentively too! And you can't ignore him coz he is actively participating in the conversation, damn. It is even worse when Bob is cuter than the guy who invited you to the date..LOL!!!

What happened to the good old *date for two*? Where you would sit close to each other and talk about anything and laugh about everything? And when things got better you would even hold hands and just enjoy the moment? Why does a grown man have to bring a bodyguard to his dates? What happened to *kila mtu ajitetee*? I am left wondering what this world is coming to.

Back to blogland

2006-10-17T19:01:00.000+02:00

I have been away for so long I even forgot my blogger password. I decided to go on holiday, and boy did I have fun.

I was in London, Manchester, Sheffield, Nottingham, Northampton...had so much fun mpaka ikawa ni kesi...eish mzee tuliza boli :-) Will write more about that another day.

Now I'm back to the same old same old...just counting days till christmas while reliving my two weeks of fun.

*grin*

Dame bila job

2006-09-13T10:43:00.000+02:00

Chatterly sits in the jobless corner as from today. I was holding a summer job, it only lasted 5 weeks. I don't believe in doing things that don't make me happy. I had a boss who complained about everything, a workmate who thought I was the perfect scapegoat. She does something wrong, she calmly says *oh, that was Chatterly!* Damn! The first time I heard that ka-line I just shangaad. Yaani without butting an eyelid she just ropokwaad like that. What a mean, fat witch!! All the time she talks kawa tu with me and smiles alafu mambo yakishika moto me ndio fagio eishhh!

On Monday I worked halfday, told them I'm ill, Tuesday found me in bed, called in sick. Today I called to say I quit! Now let me go and make myself some pancakes.

You got e-mail

2006-08-29T22:13:00.001+02:00

I am a person who learned, after a long time though, why you should not dish out your cell number to every jack and frank. Saying that I don't have a cell phone or *give me your number, I'll call you* has saved me the anguish of getting called at odd hours being invited for dinner/bed/breakfast/the future.

I met a dude the other day who asked for my no. I just told him I have no cell, but you can have my email address, write me something! He took the address, and wrote promptly! I thought those funny emails that people write when they are in Form Two ziliisha fashion but lo! here I was reading from xyz. I had to laugh. I did not reply. What do you say to a grown man who writes you this????

Hello ,
I have the feeling that this piece of mail will reach you in a perfect state of mind and in a better healthy codition. I know u will be surprised to recieve this since you do not expect it but please do not be embarrassed. All things being equal, i have decided to write & hope u will congitate before making a move. I came accross you and decided to talk to you after being captivated & captured. Although, we do not know each other well but I will really like to have you as a girlfriend .While I hope to hear from you soon, I also look forward to receiving some information concerning you and your personal life experiences. This will give us the opportunity of knowing each other better and be able to understand ourselves more. I wait to hear from you soon through this email address......

Netherlands' coffeeshops and expensive hobbies

2006-08-15T15:05:00.000+02:00

Lately I have been frequenting a certain coffeeshop in Maastricht. Coffeeshops in Holland are joints licensed to sell weed. These coffeeshops can sell weed but not alcoholic drinks. It is funny to see guys puffing away on their joints while sipping Fanta/Coke.

I have this new found friend who can't do without weed. It is sad. He is addicted to that stuff, he says he needs it so that he can relax, otherwise he really has to think alot. Like who doesn't think alot? His hobby doesn't come cheap either. 1 gram of this stuff goes for anything between 5-9 Euros. We all know that one gram is nothing, the maximum you can buy at one go is 5 grams. Since this buddy buys only the best quality, he usually parts with 45Euros each time he goes to get his *medicine*. The five grams don't last long, so in a week he makes 2 trips to Maastricht - a two hour return drive.

When I think about the amount of money he spends weekly on weed I think of other ways he could use the money. Like buy food for himself - his fridge is always empty and then he has the nerve to say he is broke?????!!!! The guy is not a youngster by the way....he is in his early forties, I thought when you get to that age you are usually wiser. Now you see what drugs do to you.

Tight, tighter?

2006-08-11T14:36:00.000+02:00

Early this year when I was in Kenya I found myself in a shop that sold all kinds of things - from perfume to buttons, underwear to make-up, bridal tiaras to buibuis, beads to sequins. I am busy looking at the beads and buttons, don't even ask why, I just love looking at them...then comes this attendant holding something in her hand.

She smiles, I smile and then she goes ahead to market her product. "Auntie, kuna hii sabuni naona itakufaa. Bei yake nafuu!" OK, so they sell soap too! Cool! I ask her what kind of soap it is...I thought maybe it is an antiseptic sabuni like dettol, or maybe it has stuff like olive oil, milk and honey which make your skin smooth. The attendant smiles and with a low voice goes on to tell me ni sabuni ya kule chini. I almost blurted "chini wapi?" then it hit me.

I had to smile. I went on to ask her what is so good about the soap, she seemed uncomfortable with having to explain about her *magic bar-o-soap* but I stood there waiting, feigning interest. She told me you use the soap to wash the vagina so that it can become tight! I looked at her like *you are kidding me, right?* She went on to say that it really works - I had to ask her if she had tried it, she said no, not yet but she was planning to buy it and use it. I looked at the bar, it just smelled like kawa sabuni with lots of perfume, a flowery cover and a promise to get your thingy tighter than tight!

I left the shop wondering how many women have bought that *sabuni ya kule chini* in an attempt to tighten things up! Who would be that gullible to believe that sabuni can do such miracles? I just wonder.

Accidents, deaths, break-ups, weight-gain

2006-07-31T13:27:00.000+02:00

This month has been a crazy one, with all kinds of mamboz happening around. My sis broke up with her chali, reason being that he is one heck of a stingy boy. Yaani they go dutch everytime they go on a date….worse still he invites my sis for a date then time ya kupay say bill ni 300Ksh he realises he has 184.50 so my sis has to come up with the rest. But his meanness did not end there, he did not give her a present on her birthday…I know it sounds petty but ehhhhh even a bar of chocolate bought by the boy alone (without my sister having to chip in) would have made a big difference but well-it did not happen….She got pissed off and told him to walk.

Like the boy hasn’t had enough, the grandmother died last week. The boy is so devastated he called my sister while crying. My sister has been consoling him since she knew the granny and this granny was mum n dad to the boy. It is so sad, God rest her soul in eternal peace.

2 buddies of mine were involved in road accidents, they were unhurt. One was hit by a youngster who skipped a red light just to show the girlfriend that he is a mdeadly driver – I now wonder if the girl will still be willing to be his girl after his stupid action that almost had them dead. The other buddy hasn’t told me what really happened, he just sent me a message at 2 am Saturday morning to tell me that, but he was unhurt. Thank God for that.

Chatterly has gained about 1.5 kgs. Funny thing is that she does not eat a lot, and the little she eats is healthy and in reasonable amounts. 2 meals a day, lots of water, and fruits. I don’t do sports….apart from the occasional swimming and the walks about town. Now you know you have a problem when those clothes that were exactly fitting are a bit too tight now….or you feel that certain body parts are expanding slowly but surely. I need to go shopping soon, be it with beads or cowrie shells.

ewwwww, shame on you dude!

2006-07-22T19:53:00.000+02:00

I was minding my own business when this dude came to sit next to me. He looked at me expecting a) a smile or b) a 'hi'. Well, dude got a plain 'c'. (c= no reaction). This is a dude that I don't know, so kila mtu ashike lake.

A minute later he decides to break the ice with three simple words - 'I saw you'. I stopped reading my book and wondered what I should say. With temperatures as high as 34°C I can assure you that the words that were on my tongue were not sugar-coated. I thought of gasping out loud, 'Oh my God, I forgot to put on my invisibility cloak', or act surprised and say, 'Realllllllly? oh cooool!!!' But since kesho ni Sunday, I decide to listen to the angel on the right and keep quiet, I just looked at him and kept reading.

There are times when you will know if someone is in the talking mood or not. I wasn't, and this dude could not figure that out. So he decides to start a feeble conversation starting with the usual I-have-seen-you-around line. I decide to leave my reading because this broda gon talk long-oh. He goes on to ask if I have also seen him around. I simply tell him no, sorry never have. Dude sees the opportunity to go on rambling.

Dude: Where you come from?
Chatterly:(hmmm should I say I come from Tuvalu? my angel shakes his head.) Kenya
Dude: I knew! I can see it in your face.
Chatterly:(ahhh and why did you ask?) rolls eyes
Dude: What do you do here?
Chatterly: I study blahblah
Dude: Maybe that is where I saw you, at the uni.
Chatterly: mhhhhmmmm
Dude:Are there many Kenyans in your school?
Chatterly: Nope, just two.
Dude: But there are lots of Kenyans in this town, or?
Chatterly: Yep
Dude: What do they do?
Chatterly:(jamani, si the usual ama?? some soma, some jobo, some sell dope, some get laid, some knit sweaters) how should I know?

This conversation goes on, and at some point the dude starts sticking fingers up his nose. YUCK!!! Yaani, its like he is alone in the privacy of his bathroom. I am only happy that he did not give me his hand. ewwwww!!!!! Germs tupu!

Oh, by the way the dude's name is OBI. Kidogo nimuulize Obi nani? Obie Trice ama Obi wan kenobi?

What men want......

2006-07-14T15:59:00.000+02:00

...is a remote control like this one here. I got this as a forward all i could say was hmmmm - what happened to men who want women with their own heads?! Women who could think on their own, speak their mind and such?

Happy Birthday, Bon Anniversaire, Alles Gute zum Geburtstag, Feliz cumpleanos

2006-07-06T00:31:00.000+02:00

Today I celebrate the 10th anniversary of my 17th birthday!
I can only count my blessings and be grateful for everything that I have achieved to date. I have a wonderful mother without whose love and encouragement I wouldn't know where I would be. A big sister who thinks I'm the best company, a small sister who thinks I'm the most intelligent, hilarious, best big sister in the world.

I can only say one thing...I'm blessed!

Happy 27th!!!

Dear Blog of mine,

2006-06-18T18:28:00.000+02:00

I know it has been ages since I put something down. I have been up to some mischief, have had too little time to sit still and write down anything and at the moment I have a whole mountain of workload to take care of.

I shall therefore not be in a position to come here ever so often, but as soon as I take care of all this madness, I shall sit down and type, type, type all those pending stories :-)

Until then......

Ridiculous Salaries

2006-05-07T17:02:00.000+02:00

I am checking out job offers za public service. I am shocked to see ati they are looking for senior hr accountants na salary scale stated there is KSh19,665 - 26,280KSh p.m!!!! Tena they want pple with bachelor's degrees in social sciences.

It even gets worse; Land officer III - candidates must posses a Bachelor’s degree in Land Economics, Law, Geography, Economics, Agricultural Economics or in any other related field. Salary scale KSh.11,445 - KSh.15,600 p.m

Now I am just left wondering. After 4 years of chopping hard at some university you go home and get a jobo ya kupay 12,000Ksh??????????? Isn't that sickening? What would you do with 12K a month?

If you are to live/work in Nai for example, and you are living alone you will need to pay rent, pay bills, commute to work, feed and cloth yourself, get some medication whenever you get sick, if you are a woman you will have expenses extra kila mwezi. Given that you are lucky to find a bedsitter in an ok area you pay say 5,000Ksh kila mwezi. Then you need to commute 5 times a week, twice a day just to go to work (exclude going to visit relas/buddies on the other side of town) - say you need 40bob daily, 200bob weekly, 800/month....lets just round it off to 1000 bob coz it rained and fares hit the roof. Sasa half of your salo is gone :-(

Then you have bills....ya maji, ya stima ya mobile (if you have one and I can say, almost kila mtu has one) and you have to shop for stuff like sabuni, deo, sanitary stuff, omo, kimbo, majani, sukari, roiko and the rest. To make matters worse you got malaria last week coz ulidonwa na mosquitos - pesa illisha kabla ununue mosquito net. So you have to go to the dispensary around the corner coz Dr Moshesh ako na dawa poa at prices sawa. To make matters worse your mum in shags is ill and needs money to buy dawa. You have a small brother in college and he is about to get chucked coz fees iko pending.

By now ujue hiyo 12,000Kshs iliisha kitambo and it is only the 15th of the month. How does one survive the next 15 days? How are you supposed to go to work and concentrate on your shyt without thinking of ways to kindly ask someone for some money so that you can pay mama mboga ile pesa ya cabbage na kitunguu ya last week? How do you feel when you hear how your boss is making plans za businesslunch somewhere alafu you see him coming back from lunch at 3pm with a toothpick sticking at the corner of your mouth- all you had for lunch was an airburger washed down with some of that sweet tasting tapwater!? How do you tell your buddies no, no, no, no, everytime they ask you to hook up with them at some joint for some mbuzi choma? How do you feel when you look at your wardrobe and just see clad za 1920? Coz the last time you bought yourself clothes was in......hmmm can't even remember? Na magola zenye unavaa? They are even tired of your feet!

This is when you are so weak and vulnerable that you start contemplating suicide....or when that old guy with a jalopy looks like prince charming every time he smiles at you. That is when he offers to take you out for some drinks you feel like the world is yours, and when he gives you that 500bob so that you can drink a soda kesho you see the angel in him. Two more fives and the next time he asks for the cookies you pop your jar open and he eats, eats, eats them cookies without caring to wekelea any CD. That is how you get magonjwa yasiyo na tiba :-( . That is why you become someone's mistress:-( hoping day and night that he will leave his wife and marry you so that your financial woes can vanish.

I know this is some really long post, but I am really pissed off by these ridiculous salaries.....these guys should get serious.

What now!?!?

2006-05-05T22:02:00.000+02:00

There is this guy called Pinto that I once worked with. He was nice, we used to talk, crack jokes, take the same train home. One day he asked for my number - I gave it to him. We met a couple of times for coffee....walks around town - just innocent, platonic, no-strings-attached kind of thing.

For the last few weeks, I haven't been having time to meet Pinto as regularly as he likes. He calls, we talk, he asks if we can hook up, I say no...but promise to call him up as soon as I get a free minute.

Yesterday Pinto calls, we talk-the usual salamuz, habari za masiku, masomo, maisha he asks if we could meet today at 4pm. Since it's been a long time since we last hooked up, I agree to meet him.

I went to bed last night and at around midnight I get an sms from Pinto. He tells me that he is sorry that we cannot meet as planned. Reason is that he already has his dream girl and us meeting would be a big mistake. He wished me the best in the future. At first I thought I was dreaming coz I had just woken up. I read the message this morning again and just shangaad, aiiii kwani hii ni movie gani?

My questions are:

Kwani what were we going to do mpaka ingekua big mistake kama tungemeet - tena in a restaurant?
Why go all the way to make plans alafu uzikatizie juu kwa juu kwasababu u have a dreamgirl tayari?
Yaani the time u were telling me we meet, huyu dreamgirl alikuwa wapi? Ama you had momentarily forgotten that she exists?
People who have dreampartners already never ever meet other people for coffee or stuff?

Kweli Pinto amenishangaza. I did not bother to answer his sms coz I really did not know what to tell him. I thought I understood men (somewhat) but boy oh boy, I am sometimes left with question marks all over. They never cease to amaze me.

It's a boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-04-26T19:14:00.000+02:00

My friend sent me news that she has delivered her first born, a boy. He is healthy and weighs a whole 3.2 kgs.

I am happy for you dear fresh mummy.
I can't wait to see pictures of the little man.
I am sure it is a whole new and wonderful experience. A little person who is your flesh and blood.
I wish for the little one - a great childhood full of laughter, discoveries, good health and lots of love, a wonderful future as he grows up - knowing that he shall one day fill your heart with pride and joy.
All the best with the cuddly bundle of joy.

I can't wait to have my own.

Project 54

2006-04-04T13:54:00.000+02:00

I have no words.....just that my weekend was wonderful, marvellous, hmmmmmm everything nice!

Feeling like arrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh

2006-03-26T19:53:00.000+02:00

School resumed two weeks ago. I haven't been to any lecture yet. I just feel like staying at home the whole time. I am not even going to work - not that I have a whole bundle of money in my account or anything?! I have been away for some time now, having the time of my life and this schedule of school-work-home to read seems pretty lousy :-(

I could sleep all day.....stay in bed all day....listen to babyface and all other slow crooners....watch soapy movies....shed a tear or two....think of a million and one things I would rather be doing. hmmm.

Must go to school this week, even if I'll have to kick myself in the aaaaahs.

Project Stan

2006-03-24T15:51:00.000+01:00

After Bob there was Stan. Stan is this cookie I had on my list. He had come down to Mombasa for a weekend and we hooked up and had fun (read went dancing got abit tipsy and got all kissykissy).

Stan left for Nairobi and he was all sweet - sending lovely little messages, calling at odd hours - I did not mind that, he had this mighty sexy voice that could melt even frozen butter :-) Two weeks later, I went to Nairobi - not because of Stan solely, I had other business to take care of. Meeting Stan again was just going to be a bonus...what a bonus!

I did meet Stan, we had fun (same as above, just add dinner to the list and a walk). But before that, Stan had to go to Murang'a for a funeral....we had a great evening after he came back from the funeral. Time came for miss chatterly to go back to Mombasa, and this she did.

Come March, I went to visit relatives in Nai. I told Stan about this and he was happy - well, at least that is how he sounded! The Saturday I arrived Stan had to go to Murang'a, again to bury yet another aunt! Sad thing is we did not end up meeting, coz he was held up there longer due to car problems. He suggested we meet the day I was scheduled to leave....unfortunately I had loads of stuff to deal with and I ended up not seeing Stan. But I had a great time with buddies of mine and a cousin of my best buddy :-)

Question: Am I the kind of person who brings such bad luck mpaka each time I go to Nai someone's aunt dies? Or was someone upto his own things and saw the need to tell such stories? Or was this yet another case of wolf in sheep's clothing? Like Bob.

Starting a new project next weekend - offshore project, you can say!

Of married men posing as singles

2006-01-20T07:33:00.000+01:00

I have now been in Kenya for a month...things have been going well till I went clubbing and met *Bob. Bob is a cute guy with wheels, I love wheels....so the cutie thing was just a bonus. We talked for a short while then I, as generous as I am, gave Bob my cell number, then I left.

Promptly the following day Bob called, asking me to join him for nyamchom na keroro. Since I was cut from last nights drinking I turned his offer down. He understood my situation, said he'll call the following day - he did. We had a date, lunch, quite nice...talked about this and that, time to go he dropped me home. Text messages started coming in.....about love, sex, life and the likes.....soooooo many of them, I just laughed.

Two days later, we met again for coffee. Bob fished his cell phone and took photos of me....cool, I was looking fly so why not! He even went ahead and saved my pic as his cell's wallpaper.....awwww how sweet, I thought.
A week later we hit the club, a very good friend of mine, a cousin of hers - *Stan, me and Bob. We had soooo much fun.

Three days later, I am going about my business a lady calls me and calmly tells me that she thinks 'I am moving with her husband!!!!!!!!!!!' Oh shyte!!! I have no idea which husband this is....been meeting male buddies....some are married but others aren't (or they are but they are just pretending). I come to find out that Bob is married....with child....OUCH!!!! Mrs Bob is nice to let me know that she loves her family and that she knows I understand because I am a woman too. I tell her Bob never told me anything about a wife and child.....and that nothing happened, we just had lunch and coffee....nothing much! I tell her not to worry, I will cut ties with Bob. She is cool with that.

Bob calls asking what I'm doing over lunch....I say I'm busy, and the wife just called me, and he is such a jerk! He wants to know what wifey said....I tell him nothing bad, just the usual blah and blah.

I decide to close Chapter Bob. Now I was wondering, if I meet a guy at a club, alone - do I always have to think twice before talking to him? Should a conversation go this way:
me: Hi!
him: hi! how are you?
me: Fine! thanks, how are you?
him: great! You looking fly!
me: Thanks! ( + killer smile) mmmmmh I love that song...wanna dance?
him: sure!
me: great! Are you single/married/divorced/widowed?

now that will surely get 150 points off ur record, ama??

I am not letearing anyone compe, chali yako ndio fala akiona kitu imevaa skati ashainuka, mate yamdondoka.
Ach, and for those married men who are hanging out in clubs without their wives kisha you start hitting on other girls komeni!

*Names have been changed for obvious reasons :-)
*Stan is the next hot bun on my 'wanted' list.
*Bob keeps calling, I keep telling him no, he still persists :-( I want my cell no. back!

Belated greetings!!!!!

2006-01-09T15:04:00.000+01:00

Hallo all!

I am in Kenya now...so msishangae sana kimya mob ni ya nini.....I am just have toooooo much fun! wish u were here we share these moments.

Comp ni slow.....so i usually get pissed of and i end up not checking mail for like a week if not more...but i plan to change that......before i go toooooo far, let me just say to you out there in the cold " here is some sunshine for you....feel it....enjoy it!"

Sanaa, I read your last mail....shida ni kuingia huko chamber, its almost like ikijua nakuja internet story inaharibika then there is a f**king error of some sort. but rest assured I will answer u!

Let me run before keroro runs away!!!!

Nice time all :-)

oh! and HAPPY 2006.

Misery is....

2005-12-07T11:39:00.000+01:00

Water is still a scarce resource in major parts of Africa as this picture shows a child washing himself with animal urine

Sickening image of a child searching for food in the anus of a cow. (Photo source: Consumption Junction)

This hair of mine

2005-11-30T16:14:00.000+01:00

I haven't cut my hair since 1989. You would think it flows way down my back, but huh! It doesn't. My hair just goes slightly past my shoulders. As a child I loved having my hair short. All my mum's attempts to grow my hair went down the drain coz I always chopped it off. Suddenly I decided to stop the hair-chopping madness and let it grow. So I let it grow, and it is growing, at a snail's pace though. It has also been through lots.

I remember my schooldays, it was always cornrows. Either all running down - mistari ya chini, or all up - kilimanjaro. Come holidays, then you could do whatever you want...either pussycat style, lines going up and a part of it running towards your forehead. December was the time for rastas, if you got lucky you got beads done too! The joy of it all was running around and hearing how your beads would make that ka-sound.

Another thing my hair went through was the hot comb. This was done just especially for christmas, or if you were a flowergirl at a wedding. The whole process was freaky. I would sit on a stool, have my mum drape a lesso on my shoulders and then apply vaseline on my kinky hair. The hot metal comb would then be pitishwaad through the hair. It was like frying bacon but hey! In less than an hour I would be having straight hair so no problem. Once we were in shagz and although we had lots of vaseline, my grandma's maid decided that kimbo does a better job. After the process I was smelling like kikaangio cha chapati! Hot comb styles did not last long, the humidity in the air made the hair go back to its kinky state in a couple of days, and woe unto you if you got rained on :-(

Post high school: Feeling very grown-up, I got my second ear-piercing, had my first cream fire a.k.a perm! I was so thrilled with my new straight hair that I spent the first few weeks just curling it up with tongs. For the last 6 years that I've had a perm, my hair hasn't been growing. It is just there...if it grows an inch, I have to cut off the split ends. Frustrating, frustrating.

Since July 2005 I haven't done any re-touch. I am tired of this perming thing. My hair is now always in braids. Tiny braids down my back, braids with my own hair, now big braids. And my hair is growing!!!!!!!!!

I just hope that I won't fall back into the perm-trap when I go home!

Dream car found

2005-11-29T01:11:00.000+01:00

I have found the car of my dreams...the nissan x-trail just makes me feel like ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeahhhhh.

Some people would rather go for sleek little sports cars but I am not into that kind of stuff....I just love the x-trail, its purrrrfect.

Now let me go work hard and save for it :-)

Counting days!!!!

2005-11-20T21:27:00.000+01:00

I am going home in Dec! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!! I am looking forward to going home coz its been 3 years 11 months since I was there, so I bet its about time. As I sit here in my warm, cosy room, dreading the weather out there - we are now down to 4°C - I am filled with anticipation, dreaming about the warmth of my beloved country.

I can't wait to see my family, go swim in the sea, eat, eat and eat some more, hang out with my buddies, go clubbing vizuri sana...not like here you go to a club and 95% of the folks are just jumping up and down or doing their choreography thing :-(

I don't know what to expect when I reach there, I know alot has changed but whatever, I am just looking forward to leaving this cold, cold country.

For those going home too, have a safe trip...for those who aren't going anywhere, stay warm, when I am there I will make a point of sending you some sunshine :-)

Carnival in Cologne

2005-11-11T13:39:00.000+01:00

Today is a wonderful day in Cologne, the city I live in. Its carnival time. Carnival here usually begins on the 11th of November at 11 past 11a.m and goes on till Ash Wednesday, usually end of February/beginning of March. Carnival is also known as the '5th Season' and it is all about getting drunk, getting lots of free sex, fooling around and flipping out. Germans are known to be a little uptight, so during this period of merry-making, they all have an opportunity to let it all go!!!

There are plenty of parties around town. Everyone goes there in some costume. These parties are usually boring. If 20 people have been invited, only 20 people will turn up, and the host will only have bought enough beer for 20. Those of us who like gatecrashing have no chance at all :-) Throw a bash for kenyans, you invite 20 people, these bring a buddy or two along...you know how it goes on! But at least our parties are lively, we know how to party, the music is mzuri sana. Hehehehe German bashes - ovyo tu, guys just stand in little groups talking boring staff and cracking not-so-funny-jokes :-( Don't even question the music, the dancing is even worse, if at all people will dance.

Weiberfastnacht (women’s carnival night) is the Thursday before Rosenmontag, and it is tradition that women are allowed to cut off the tie of any man within reach, and to kiss any man they want to. This day also signals the beginning of the five days of Carnival with nearly 50 processions leading up to Monday's Rose Monday Parade

The Monday before Ash Wednesday is the big day, called Rosenmontag (Rose Monday). The big official parade, with lots of people in colourful costumes are just worth seeing. During this parade through the city, sweets and chocolate bars are thrown out to the waiting masses!!! You should see how the masses scramble for them. Ahhhhhh!!!

After all that partying, everything goes back to normal. Same old cold and uptight people, waiting for the next opportunity to freak out.

KÖLLE ALAAF!!!!!!!!

Crying stranger

2005-11-10T10:27:00.000+01:00

I was waiting for the tram today, when I decided to sit next to an elderly caucasian man (let's call him Hans) he was maybe 45, looked older and reeked of beer (this hit me later). Two seconds after settling myself, Hans looks at me and says, "Oh!!! Beautiful!" This is when the stench hit me. I looked at him vaguely, thinking whether I should stay put, or just get up and leave - well, you never know how a drunk may react. For some strange reasons, I decided to sit there. And that is when it started pouring!!

Hans starts mumbling how his girlfriend has been cheating him all along. Hans pulls his glasses off and starts wiping his eyes. Hans is crying!!!! Oh, Heck! What do you tell a crying stranger whose girlfriend has been conning him??? Pat his back and tell him sorry, he deserves to be loved and he will surely get another mama??? Start crying too, because you don't know what to do??? Look the other side, pretend you did not hear a thing??? Sit there frozen, look at him and wonder why the tram is taking long??? Well, that is just what I did, I sat there frozen.

I get confused when people start crying, I usually don't know what to do. If a man starts crying, the confusion doubles. Hans sees this is a nice opportunity to cry his heart out, and he is not secretive about it. People start turning around to see what is happening...but as Germans are, they just look and go back to what they were doing - namely, waiting for the tram (while listening).

Hans continues to say that his heart has been beating just to be with an african woman, and then this woman asked for an invitation letter so that she could come visit him, and that he had to go to Western Union to send her some money, and he just found out that she was cheating on him all along. Now the strange part comes - this woman is from KENYA. ololooooooyayeeee!!!

Hans asks me if I am from Kenya too. In the state that he is in, I trust him to bash my head the minute I say 'oh yes! I am a Kenyan woman!' I therefore deny, and in my mind, I have TANZANIA ready, if he asks where I come from. Hans asks me what my name is, I lie...as usual... this time I blurt 'Jacklin'. Hans wants to know where I live, and if he can hook up with me! Aishhhh!!!! I thought the man is soooo heartbroken, but hey...stand up and move on is his motto, it seems.

The tram comes, though not the one I am supposed to take...but I sweetly say bye-bye to Hans and hop into the wrong tram, ride 5 minutes more than I would have if I would have taken the right one. But is all good! I managed to get away from Hans the crying stranger!

Smart girls acting silly

2005-11-05T23:03:00.000+01:00

I am not posting this to diss my friend. I am just wondering where this smart girl left her brains when she started doing what she did.

Asunta* is a friend of mine, we know each other for a couple of years, she is quite ok. We hang out alot and we tell each other stories of our love-lives. Two weeks ago, Asunta went out clubbing, I was too tired to join her so she went with other buddies of hers. This is where things started going haywire. Asunta met Zush*, a guy I know from university. This guy is married and has a kid. He was also having fun at the club so as things go wakenya wakapatana. Zush started hitting on Asunta. (remember wife + kid)

Asunta was feeling the vibe, so she tumbukiad into his sweet nonsense. They exchanged numbers and the whole week after that Sato nite at the club Zush kept calling Asunta. Well, Asunta told me sometime during that week how it was at the club and how she met a hunk called Zush and bla bla bla. lol......I asked 101 questions mpaka I was sure that this Zush from the club was the same Zush from uni. I kindly told Asunta that this chap had a wife and a kid, she should leave him alone. She could not believe it, so she decided to ask Zush. Zush denied, claiming that 'watu wanamuonea tu, he has neither a wife nor a kid'. To add insult to injury, Zush told Asunta that he is a virgin :-) I tell you this world is full of lunatics.

Asunta chose to believe him and not me (remember I am the friend here). Last week, Asunta spread her legs apart for Zush!!!! Damn, then she comes and tells me how good it was!!!! I did not know what to tell her, she seemed so pleased with herself.

Yesterday I talked to Asunta. Apparently, she now knows that Zush has a wife. Ask me how she found out. Zush told her, and even showed her pics of his ka-mama, Asunta had gone to pay him a visit in his marital home!!!!!!! I was wondering where this wife was, cause she can't have been out of town, ataenda wapi and the whole family is living in the same town and she has a small kid????? Asunta is courting trouble :-(

Zush called Asunta today to tell her that she is an asshole!!!!!!!!!! oishit :-) Asunta had been elezaring another friend of hers how bibi ya Zush looks like (I know what Mrs Zush looks like, but I will not disclose anything), all that time she was talking to this friend of hers, Zush was still on the line, coz she had been talking to him and had forgotten to hang up!!!!!!!!!!! Then Zush calls Asunta telling her she is an asshole and that he had trusted her enough to show her the pics of Mrs Zush!!!!!!!!!!

Now Asunta is feeling down and blue :-( I asked her what she plans to do, she still doesn't know. I feel like telling her ' I told you so!!!!' but nahhhh, I will shut my mouth. It won't be a while before I hear that Zush apologized, and that Asunta accepted his apology two or three times ;-)

* Names have been changed to protect identity :-)

me and the www...

2005-11-01T00:20:00.000+01:00

For the last 14 days, I have been trying to get a computer into my room, and get internet access. It all began some time ago when a friend of mine told me how she had managed to get a PC for an amazingly low price (65€ incl. monitor) so I thought hey, why not!!!!

I waited for a couple of days so that my PC could be 'built' and after that, I had to go through the harrows of finding someone who had a car and 30 minutes to help me transport my PC! Now, if that office where I was going to pick the PC wasn't that far from the tram station, I would have asked a girlfriend of mine to accompany me - no problem, but as fate would have had it, this office is situated 20 walking minutes from the tram station! Carrying a PC+monitor would certainly have broken my back.

After calling my few friends who have cars and being turned down, I turned to one oga-oga brodah who thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread! The dude was happy to help me out, and voila! PC got home safe and sound!

I live in a hostel, now the silly thing about that place is that the administrator's office is only open 3 times a week for a couple of hours. I sat from Thursday evening till Tuesday evening with a computer but without access to the internet. Tuesday evening, I rushed to the administrator to tell him I need a modem. The chap tells me that I need a sheet of paper showing some number/code for the modem that I am supposed to get. I tell him I don't have one, but he insists that I do...I tell him I know I what I have, and what I don't. He refers me to the main office, which is closed at this time already. Tuesday night, no internet still, sad.

Wednesday morning, I woke up early, went to the main office, got my sheet of paper with the code and rushed back to the hostel. The chap who was there looked at it then asked me if I already have the modem in my room!!!!! Halllooooooo? Would I go ask for a modem if I had one in my room???? I swallow, and just say no. The guy goes ahead to say, " Maybe the chick who used to live there before took it." oh really?????? Does that mean that I am not getting a modem or what?! The silly goat goes ahead to say, although he hasn't searched, that the modem is not there and that I have to be going to that office very often to remind him of the matter!!!!! hehehehehheeeh...Wednesday night, no internet still, sad, so sad.

Thursday midday, I go back to the admin. office, luckily I find a different chap, so I tell him about my problem, he tells me wait a minute, he goes to the cellar and guess what??? I get a modem! I am thrilled, but that is not the end of the story, I have to go to the university, get an account so that I can get log-in info - so that I can access the www. This I do on Friday, and when I get back home I fix everything sawasawa (failed a few times though lol...) then I was in the www!!

Now I am connected! 24-7! This is great :-)

AIDS and the sex marathon

2005-10-19T18:48:00.000+02:00

I recently received an e-mail that really sent shudders down my spine. It was showing what STDs can do to you. Yaani the pictures were sooooo bad mpaka at the moment I am still getting flashbacks. I look at a cute guy and then pictures of maajabu start appearing, it is that bad.

This email has really opened my eyes, not that I have been promiscuous all along, no!! I just never got to see such stuff for real. The pictures are so bad that I don't even know the right words to describe them.

I am in a country where you can get laid every single night, as long as you are willing. The percentage of people using condoms is pretty low, since not everyone loves eating their sweets with the wrappers on!

The youth here are worse. I heard one young guy, probably 18 years old saying that he would know if a woman is carrying a STD just by looking at her! He was then asked how an infected person looks like and he made a funny face to imitate how a sufferer would look like. I felt so sorry for him...I can just see him shagging his way without a condom to the grave. It is so sad.

I don't have a boyfriend at the moment, and my occassional *boom-boom* partner has been shown the red card already! A friend of mine told me to take care before I get cobwebs you-know-where...but hey, at least I will still be alive, though abit out of practice :-)

Slender, not hungry!

2005-10-08T00:11:00.000+02:00

I am 163cm tall and weigh 54kgs. I look pretty normal...not too thin or anything. My west african brothers have their own opinion regarding my 54kgs. I meet westies quiet often, not by choice, rather coincidentally. They are very bold, coming straight to you and telling you really funny stuff with their funny accent.

Once I was waiting for the bus, along comes this uga-uga brodah. "Hallo!" he says, smiling like we know each other. I say hi, wearing my 'very serious' face - it is always helpful to maintain that face if you don't feel like getting your ear filled with nonsense!
Next line "I saw you standing there and I see you are beautiful, you must be a good person and I want to know you, so where are you from?" Aiiiiii?!?!?!? I toy with the idea weather I should lie, but today I feel like telling the truth, so I just mumble "Kenya." Then uga-uga goes like "ahhhhhaaaaa, kenyan women are the best, very beautiful." Hmmm, great....I just can't wait for that bus to show up so that I can escape this boring conversation, keeping in mind that I am only giving monosyllabic responses.

The bus is taking its time today, meaning my brodah has a great advantage. Next question, "you speak French?" Although I do, I just say no, to avoid being pulled deeper into conversation, since he is fluent in French and not in English or German! "Oh ok", he says and thinking that is the end of it I look the other way, praying the bus shows up. Brodah is still on my case. " What's your name?" Arrrgggh I am just being polite, answering his questions, but this is going too far....so I lie...I snap "Maria". For some unknown reason this is the name that usually springs out first - 2 years ago it was Janet :-). Next year I will take on something weird like Shabaduu or something complicated Umpootelikantubi :-)

Uga-uga tells me his name, and on top of that, he invites me to go to his place, so that he can cook me a really delicious west african dish! Red flags everywhere. One: You are a stranger Two: You are inviting me for the first date to your place??? Three: Do I look so hungry??? Soooo hungry that one would take a stranger to his place and cook for her????

Well, the bus shows up and I quickly hop into it...after kindly turning down brodah'z invitation and so thankful that I no longer have to listen to his blah-blah! Upon reaching home, I take a look in the mirror. I look fine, I like what I see, and those uga-ugaz who think I could do with a whole load of kilos should walk on by. If ya don't like, don't look! Simple!!!