Taking it day by day: Put zero, get zero



Put zero, get zero

Shiro left a comment on my last post and commented on “men’s conservatism” in bedroom matters. I must say she really had a point. We always hear men complaining that Kenyan tumamas have nothing to offer when it comes to the manenos. Men forget that this is a two way thing, and you only get as much as you put in.

Case I
A man has a flourishing bush in his boxers, he still expects head, he has no idea what kind of pungent fumes can emanate from such a bushy area after a hard day’s work and couple of baada ya kazi vinywajiz. Every time dude is getting his freak on with his babe, he starts those tactics of ‘let-me-direct-your-head-elsewhere’, the chick knows what there is down there so she just gives him one look, the famous ‘una wazimu?’ kind of looks. That story of head is lengwaad. The dame has nothing against giving head but she is not ready to start weeding someone's shamba in the process, we all know how disgusting it is to give someone head and always having to stop so that you can pick out the wiry hairs that have found their way into the mouth, some are even threatening to choke the poor babe coz they are stuck in the throat! and at that point the dude has the audacity of saying "babe, go on, dont stop banaa".
One lazy Sunday, after dude has taken a shower, he stands in front of the girl in all his hairy glowreh and starts wiping himself. Chick is disgusted by the manywelez that are tapakaaring all over the place she just says “Nanii, si you trim your hairiness?” At that point, dude kodoaz macho like someone has insulted him, he says “No way, kwani mimi ni gay?”
HAIYA?!?!!! What does this dude eat for breakfast? Who told him it is only gays who trim/shave off their pubic hair? And then he wonders why he gets no head?
If this is not being conservative to the core, then I do not have a name for it.

Case II
Dude is with a chick getting ready for sensuous moments. He is withstanding foreplay because he knows he is getting head at one point or another. Chick gives dude head, dude is enjoying to the maximum….after a while, chick slides up to the man and whispers to the man ‘my turn now’, dude shangaaz, eish my turn gain hii sasa tena? Dame has to spell it out. I-would-love-it-if-you-went-down-on-me. Dude kunjaz his face it’s like the chick has brought pliers to bed as part of foreplay. He spits out some ‘me I don’t do that, I just cant, never have never will, I am like that’ with that, story imeisha, no discussion. Chick says she is no longer in the mood, dude gets pissed atii dem kichwa ngumu anakatsia njaro.
Dude, you want people to lick your lolli and you can’t suck on someone’s nookie? Wake up and smell the roses!

Case III
Dude complains his chick is not “a freak between the sheets” i.e she just lies there kama samaki angojeae kuparwa. The dude has never heard of foreplay in his life. His style ni ile ile moja ya mishenari. Piga mbili-tatu ndani nje huyooo shujaa ashawaasili. End of session. He grins triumphantly, thinking he has scored kabisaaaa. In the meantime the chick has been busy thinking of that new pair of shoes she has been eyeing, who is going to be braiding her hair since Ndunge moved to athi-river with the baby daddy, how she is going to get into that dress that is 2 sizes too small. She is jolted back by Mr mishenari’s question ‘how was I?’ chick’s mind is mbaliii she just says ati how? She realises oppps! mistake, wrong answer, she continues to say oh I loved it, you are my hero (puke) hugs the superman, falls asleep asap.

If you as a man would sit back and think, change your tactic (like you have one…smh) and be ready to try new things, you would not go around saying Kenyan mamaaz cant do things mzuri. Its like going to some gourmet restaurant and asking for mutura na matumbo na supu. Things don’t go that way. You have to pull up them socks. You can't plant potatoes and expect to reap buttered toast.
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36 Comments:

At March 13, 2007 3:03 PM, Blogger B n P said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At March 13, 2007 3:06 PM, Blogger B n P said...

she just lies there kama samaki angojeae kuparwa.Hilarious!!

nail was hit right on the head,couldn't have said it better..you give what you expect ama you bail!!

 
At March 13, 2007 4:27 PM, Blogger Movie Buff said...

LMAO!

Imagine you are so right!!!!

 
At March 13, 2007 4:29 PM, Blogger Movie Buff said...

The dude has never heard of foreplay in his life. His style ni ile ile moja ya mishenari. Piga mbili-tatu ndani nje huyooo shujaa ashawaasili. End of session.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ok.. that is the best paragraph I have read today!

 
At March 13, 2007 5:15 PM, Blogger Adrian said...

LOL @ the line movie buff mentioned and the one about hairdresser moving to athi-river.

 
At March 13, 2007 5:30 PM, Blogger Kirima said...

Uhmm, Err, Oh dear,.......Must tread carefully here, dangerous territory this! :-)
To all Guys out there if you meet those THREE clueless dudes who are giving all Kenyan men a bad name please forward their names to the Ministry of Home (or Gender)affairs for deportation ASAP!

 
At March 13, 2007 10:12 PM, Blogger sura said...

You made my week. Kweli we need to style up. Now for that much needed trimming...

 
At March 13, 2007 10:18 PM, Blogger mwangi said...

Hii post ... ilinichekesha saaana. But I don't agree with several of those scenarios... watch this space lakini meantime: SINYOI

 
At March 13, 2007 10:45 PM, Blogger Dennis said...

A pithy observation but very apt because much as many Kenyan women throw wood by the forestload, there are dudes who misrepresent just like that, we need to send both parties copies of this post and my "won't give head" post for them to style up!
@ mwangi
Lol you crack me up! No razors visiting down south huh?

 
At March 14, 2007 8:12 AM, Blogger Girl next door said...

This is hilarious! You've made some very good points and a number of dudes could learn something by reading this post.
For those not willing to go the full lenghth of a boyzillian, a trim can do the trick.
In the end, it does take effort from both parties.

 
At March 14, 2007 8:21 AM, Blogger Unyc said...

High five! High five!

Gal, cldnt have said it better! Lol..U want head give me head. No compromise.

Mwangi ati hunyoi....haiya!!

 
At March 14, 2007 8:39 AM, Blogger Princess said...

You took the words right outta my mouth..LOL!!!

 
At March 14, 2007 9:49 AM, Blogger Chatterly said...

@b n p - Very true, give none get none!
@movie buff - that's what I'm talking about, pretending to be the champion when one can't even spell champion.
@Adrian - Wilkommen zuhause
@Kirima - the world would surely be a better place without those THREE dudes :-)
@Sura - thanx for stopping by
@Mwangi - just keep your weeds, dont complain though.
@Dennis - if a dude came with such tactics, it is no wonder that a chick would throw wood. Why put effort?
@GND - A trim anyday would be good...that should be the starting point, coz talking of boyzillian on day 1 is just scary shyte for them i presume.
@Unyc - High five girl...you read maneno za MWANGI, manywele tele, huyo ni out tu.
@Princess - sometimes one just has to say it. do me i do you.

 
At March 14, 2007 10:39 AM, Blogger Lioness said...

Haahahhahahaa ... This is just to die for! All you write is absolutely spot on! LMAO!

 
At March 14, 2007 11:35 AM, Blogger Archer said...

Lemme first laugh then I'll get back to thinking. I'll be back to comment comprehensively.

 
At March 14, 2007 11:59 AM, Blogger bantutu said...

Aiiii!! Bana! Baridi ama moto?!! Heheheh!! Umenishagga na mi si lefa...Jamaa anafuga dreddi kwa keja ya John na anataka kusuguliwa...Ngori mammi!! Umenisugua viproppa!! Hehheheh!!

 
At March 14, 2007 1:09 PM, Blogger inane said...

so on point.the dudes should also clean that area considering they pass urine through this very object of desire

 
At March 14, 2007 2:54 PM, Blogger Archer said...

And the big Kenyan sexual debate continues!

I agree that sex is a two way affair and us guys are equally guilty of not living up to expectations in that department. But why do we as Kenyans (guys and chics) tolerate mediocre sexual performance, and keep quiet thus making the other party believe that all is gravy, then we go and vibe elsewhere about how wack the shag was? I don't think we're being fair to each other. Instead of doing this, we ought to discuss sex matters with our partners. Yaani take time to talk about it, lay out your expectations, point out what the other party is doing wrong and how they can improve on those aspects. Then be open minded to know what said party expects from you, and listen to what you can improve on. And viola! Solution!

Ok now to us men. It's been said severally that Kenyan men hatukuragi kanyau, which is mostly true. But we still expect to receive head despite the hairy conditions down south. Now why can't guys and chics come to an agreement. Chics will only give head if the dude is willing to reciprocate. Then,knowing that men have a sort of fear of the kanyau, teach them polepole how to work things down there to satisfy you (hoping that conditions down there are condusive for the activity) and who knows, guys MIGHT be willing to go down on you later bila kuulizwa!

As for shaving/trimming down south (moment of overshare) I tried it once coz of the summer heat na mimi sikutaka maneno za ma warts, ma crabs na ma nini nini. Surprise surprise! The ladies loved it, the sex became better, head was more forthcoming, and I've never gone back since! It's definitely worth a try.

Guys, ebu go touch up on your skillz! Sexual skills are not inherent but they're acquired skills. Hii maneno ya ma press ups kumi na kung'orota is giving the rest of us a bad name! Aim to be less self centred and more of a woman pleaser.

I hope I've made some sense. Chatterly I apologise for taking over your blog.

 
At March 14, 2007 3:29 PM, Blogger Chatterly said...

@Lioness – there is no beating about the bush now, is there?
@Bantutu – crazy as it may sound, it is true….dude wants head, dreadlocks included.
@Inane – there are some who think showers are a luxury, since they showered yesterday morning they don’t need to do that today. Ewwwww Yuckkkkk Pukkkkkke
@Archer – Don’t worry about taking over my blog….its an open discussion so feel free. Some people tolerate useless sex because they are not willing to open their mouths and tell the partner fearing that they will hurt their feelings. Some people get suspicious when you start telling them how you want to be satisfied. U start getting maswaliz like “hio uliijulia wapi?” so instead of going thru that interrogation etc, you opt to swallow crap and then go out and talk about it with your buddies, like it will help! It is good that you are calling out the dudes to mow their overgrown lawns. And thank you for kindly requesting the menfolk to focus on pleasing their women and not just go in solely for their own satisfaction. If you give, you get something back.

 
At March 14, 2007 4:29 PM, Blogger mwangi said...

Haiya ...

It is apparent that I might have ensconced myself in a tight corner ... Archer (still can't get over that word)

I am not about to disensconce (?) ... though. Kanyau nitakula, hata kama kana manyoya/maguoya ...

Kama hakana, pia nitakula. Kwa sababu naweza kula kakiwa nayo, na kasipokuwa ... si pia wewe unaweza kusugua mti ukiwa na majani ama kaa hauna ?

measure 4 measure ...

 
At March 15, 2007 9:19 AM, Blogger Chatterly said...

...si pia wewe unaweza kusugua mti ukiwa na majani ama kaa hauna ?

@ mwangi kusema ukweli, heri ikae...take those majani elsewhere, i want a tree bila the majaniz

 
At March 15, 2007 12:45 PM, Blogger Shiroh said...

and the story continues. LMAO,

 
At March 15, 2007 5:56 PM, Blogger mwangi said...

Okay, there has to be a middle ground, a workable solution on this

 
At March 15, 2007 7:37 PM, Blogger 3N said...

My 2 cents on this juicy discussion; if a chile likes her kanyau eaten then it is my obligation as a jamaa to satisfy, na yeye lazima are turn favor.

I have to say though a one finger test comes in handy, some chilez have no manners; kanyau should always be kept crystal clean.

Overall though if a chile is not satisfied kitandani, no matter how much she pendas you, she will eventually wonder elsewhere.

and about nyoaing down there it’s not comparable between jamaas and mamas anatomy. Our thingies are protruding so if cleanliness is observed it won’t be a scary hairy situation. On the flip side tunyaus should be nyolewad or at least trimmed.

 
At March 16, 2007 8:09 AM, Blogger Unyc said...

@Mwangi What workable solution? If u want head n u dont want 2 shave completely, at least trim 2 hygienable length. N keep it very clean.

 
At March 16, 2007 1:11 PM, Blogger Chatterly said...

@ shiro, story haiishi.
@ mwangi, ati middle ground? Keep the hair-get no head, trim it & get some.
@ unyc – you remember you were supposed to go first? Let me know what I have to put up with when you are done…LOL!!!
@ 3N – dirty pussies is something else, a chick should not expect to be licked down there after a long day of work etc (just imagine what the heat has been doing since asubuhi?) Anatomy/cleanliness/hairiness – your dick can be sparkling but if you have hair till there, forget head (not unless you get head just on the helmet and not all the way down to the ….)

 
At March 19, 2007 7:10 AM, Blogger mwangi said...

After evaluating the pros and cons, its prolly better to "trim" juss a lil bit ... but i still think that the anatomical differences would render the said "trimming" unfair on the guy ...

 
At March 21, 2007 3:05 PM, Blogger Klara said...

This was da mother! Am still in stiches! Ati flourishing bush in his boxers!!!! LOL!
Men! U r so right! Love makin need be a 2-way traffic! U please me, I do da same! U lie there I lie there!!
High Five on this one!!
@Mwangi
RONFL
Trim bana! Wacha stori!
@Archer
RONFL! Go on preach da good news 2 da brothas!!

 
At March 22, 2007 6:09 AM, Blogger gishungwa said...

Nipe nikupe its easy and the hygiene is no bargain.In this whole day and age if performance<0 then teach or let go there is no excuse really. That post and the comments are on-point kabisa.

 
At March 27, 2007 6:56 PM, Blogger kipepeo said...

ok, rolling on the floor, trying to steady my hands to type something and see through the tears of laughter streaming down my face! EXCELLENT post!! the whole getting a lil' trim down south!! The difference it makes!! The worst is if you've been with a nicely trimmed dude and next is one who is still in denial that he has the amazon forest south of his tummy. The shock and horror that jolts through your body the moment clothes come off!! And I totally agree...head is a two way thing...give and I shall too...

 
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