Taking it day by day

I have heard about the good things a weave can do to your hair...gives your real hair a break from all the combing, styling etc...you can change your look drastically...curly today, straight tomorrow...short today, shoulder length and even beyond the day after - from black to blond, red to brown, you have the money, you have the choice.

However, I am seeing women sporting some extremely shady weaves, weaves that look just BAD. you have natural hair then you add a STRAIGHT phoney pony yawa why now? you looked in the mirror and decided hiyo ndiyo best? Today I sat behind a woman whose screwed up weave looked like it had been partially gnawed away by a rodent. you could actually see the first track. I felt sad. Saa hiyo she is formally dressed going to the office perhaps.

Why? Cut the hair if you cant manage it jameni. Or get a good hairdresser who will weave you up nicely.

Agony is attending a bridal shower and the maid-of-honour is dishing out very silly advice to the bride-to-be

Agony is attending a bridal shower and drinks are flowing so you drink till you black out

The biggest agony is attending a bridal shower and then when the stripper comes you feel like asking "where is the rest of you" because he looks like an adolescent. but its all good, he had the moves but still, i appreciate a much taller, more muscular dude to do the dancing etc.

Onesmus has been going out with Philomena for the last 4 years. 5 months ago they were blessed with a baby boy. The two decided, for the sake of the baby, to move in together. And that they did. Their relationship was a very odd one. No one knew whether they were in love or not…according to Philomena, the two found it weird to tell each other those three little words. Four whole years plus a baby and nothing like “I love you”. Wow! That is what I call dry fry now. The sex was good – you could tell by the way Philo would brighten up in the face when we asked her what makes her stay with him…knowing very well it wasn’t love. It was the sex. Philo is the one who used to support Onesmus financially so it wasn’t the money. Onesmus could give you dick until you saw unnamed planets. Toes curling. Goosebumps. Juices flowing. Gasps for breath. Tears of ecstasy. Out-of-this-world experiences. Sundays was their speciality. Spooning all day long. Exchanging body fluids. Explains why Philo’s phone was mostly off on Sundays.

And then they moved in and things started changing. Onesmus leaves home Friday night comes back Saturday wee hours – doesn’t want to be asked where, what, with whom, etc. Philomena grew tired of asking. Onesmus, seeing that he was on top of the game endelead with his tutabias. It is common courtesy to tell your other half that you will be late so that they don’t sit up all night long wondering whether you have been mugged or slaughtered. “Courtesy” to Onesmus’ was a Latin word…he lived as he pleased, did what he wanted when he wanted.

Recently, actually three weeks ago, Philomena hired a truck, packed her belongings (leaving behind a mattress and the TV, everything else was hers), her baby and house-girl and left crying. She had just found out that Onesmus had been shagging the next door neighbour. NEXT DOOR. Right in front of her nose. Out of one house, two steps, into the next house. Onesmus denied all this claiming nothing has been going on. Yeah right, like he used to go there to roast marshmallows? Smh.

Three days later he calls her to tell her she is overreacting about the neighbour, actually she should be worried about Anastasia (now the real clande)! You wonder WTF!!!? A day later he calls to say sorry, he said all that crap coz he was angry. Philomena looked at her phone and cut him off. She doesn't need trash in her life.

One fine dude asked me just the other day: "What do you do in your free time?" I told him I read books. He gave me a puzzled look and went ahead to repeat his question trying to make me understand it: "No, I mean in your free time, you know, when you are not working." I nodded and said AGAIN that I read BOOKS. He just did not get it how one could READ in their free time. Still seeing his dissatisfaction with my answer I had to add that I like sewing (another crazy look from him) and that from time to time I hang out with my chick pals (contented look à la: phew, at least she's normal).

When did reading books get scrapped off from the list of things people do in their free time? Does having free time just mean you watch movies, go to the zoo, go to the beach? asii! I did not even bother asking him about the last book he read, coz I am sure I would have been told "ai me i dont read". Yeah, uses up too much brain juice hehehee.

I think some people should be banned from drinking beer and thereafter make use of Safcoms free calls from 2100 to 0600. Just the other day, a male cousin of mine called me shortly before midnight. after a couple of rings I decided heck, lemme see who it is. I see cousin X's number. I wonder what he wants at that hour of the night...in my mind I had already thought of some bad news he was about to break. I say hello and he says hi and then proceeds to ask me why I never call him. He is drunk, speaks like he is trying to find words to make a complete sentence. I tell him that I have been busy kiasi but I will call him soon we plan a meet. He insists I tell him when exactly am I going to call him, I tell him next week before Wednesday. He says he will call me himself (yes, free calls from 2100). Then out of the blue he goes on to say aki your voice is so mzuri, kweli you have a sexy voice - if it were not for us being related "ningepita na wewe". with that, he hang up. I stared at my phone for a couple of seconds wondering wtf?! Don't forget, we are first first cousins. smh.

So I am sitting reading a novel and this guy behind me starts speaking to a friend who is seated like 3 metres away: "Musa, I am almost lost my wallet imagine".
I shut my book and smiled :-) kaka ongea kiswahili bana - kithungu kigumu mno.

Guy sitting next to me fishes out his mobile phone and goes like: "Hi, I am in Nairobi right now. The next time you send me such a text message, I will come there, tear you and your friend apart. Don't joke with me."
A shiver runs down my spine.

You are in bed with your man, just about to get your cookie munched. You are on top doing good things to his swollen member and then you hear the man say, "sweetie, wear me a condom." What do you do?

My friend heard that line and burst out laughing, her man thought she was rude so sessions for that night and a couple of subsequent nights were cancelled. She had a task and a half making sure that the mzee understood that she was not laughing at his whatevers but that she found that ka-line funny. Direct translation kabisa "switii nivishe kondom." These are the same ones who go saying "i didnt knew".

Well, at least we can give him 10 marks for thinking "safe sex".