Taking it day by day: June 2007

Another Kenyan Bash

Monday, June 18, 2007
Saturday ilimpata Chatterly akijipodoa getting ready to go out to a Kenyan bash. Make-up done, hair done, trousers tight enough, high heels miguuni na kibeti mkononi. So I leave the house at 2230hrs, off to hook up with another buddy at his place where we wait for another chick buddy to join us then we leave together shortly before midnight. We hop into a taxi and in 5 minutes we are at the venue. From then on it was a downhill trip.

1. Music
the music itself was not bad but the dj??? Yuck! He plays a song for 30 seconds then interrupts to talk about sijui nini nini. Who told him we wanted useless chitchat at
1 am? Despite telling him to cut the crap, the dude could not keep his words to himself. And the way I had the energy to dance eish spoiler mtupu.

2. Food
There was food (you buy, you eat…hakuna cha bure). The samosas looked raw, tasted like mince beef stew with peas and chapo, they were drenched in oil yaani mafuta haiishi no matter how hard you squeeze the samosa. I saw some chicken and some rice…did not touch any of that though…one samosa was enough for the night.

3. Men
Same old same old, men wearing tshirts 5 sizes too big with shorts larger than XL and sneakers. One of them was wearing jeans bonge na smart shirt and a sleeveless sweater – the place is warm and he wears a sweater for what? And to top it all…he was wearing sunglasses, at night. Now what is that? Kujiskia mjanja na hiyo trouser bonge umeikazia belt hapo kwa waist mpaka imekaa
kama mahando?

Then there were some old dudes hovering about…I am sure one of them was 80 years old – I don’t know what I will be doing when I am 80 but surely I wont be hanging out at such loud parties.

And the drunks? Plenty of them….you admit you are drunk but you are still holding a bottle. Smh si you stop basi?

4. Women.
a) the drunkard
this one has drunk so much, she can’t dance but still she insists on swaying on the dance floor with an equally drunk mate. Another one was too drunk to hold her dinner down she ended up puking – I saw her in the loo and she was telling me she needs some fresh air then she will be ok…I almost asked her nani alimwambia naweka rekodi ya wale wanaotaka fresh air? I silently looked at her as she staggered out.

b) the jealous drunkard
this one chick really amazed me. Dressed in a belt masquerading as a skirt, showing us her waithera legs, teetering on her hoochie mama stiletto sandals and blondish braids. She was at the bash with her boyfie…I know the boyfriend since kitambo and he had told me he would come to the bash with chick so I can meet her, me I had just heard that the dude is sooo into her. When I saw her I thought the dude was joking, unfortunately he wasn’t – that chick got drunker and drunker by the hour and every time the boyfie talked to another chick, she would appear from nowhere and start touching touching the boyfie or sit on his lap or pull him away so that they can go and ongea. The boy kinda got pissed off coz he came asking us why women act all dumb when they get drunk-I told him I am sober bro…uliza mlevi akueleze heheheh. Later that evening she was up at the podium whispering sweet nothings to the crappy dj…me I saw her butt, and so did all the others who were observing things :-)

c) baby gap shoppers
there are those who are naturally petite and therefore wear size small or extra small. Sasa kama wewe ni mkubwa kama nyumba, please, si kwa ubaya…just buy clad that fit you, wearing small nguoz wont make you thinner, you end up looking ridiculous.

d) band sisters
just coz you are best friends doesn’t mean you have to wear the same clad unless you belong to some band. Same black shorts (by the way I think there were more than 5 chicks in short shorts), same tiger print tshirt and same combat print stilettos, same screaming out loud whenever a song starts playing (I can imagine how sore their throats are).

e) advisory board
One chick was asking me why I don’t have mzungu boyfie as she is engaged to one. I shangaad kwani only mzungu makes boyfie? I was advised to open my eyes (like they were closed smhhhh) and I should not even think of going to settle down in Kenya coz I have been here too long and I will NOT fit in. asiii? I shangaad tu.
Kwanza who told her I needed advice? Kila mtu na flavour yake…I like my men chocolate so yeye na vanilla yake anyamazie huko tu.

After seeing so much and hearing just as much, I think I am done with Kenyan parties – there is nothing new happening even if you go to such parties once a year, you will see the same people, same music will be played and since it’s the same dj, you will still get pissed off like last year. Goodbye Kenyan bashes.

Cousin Boaz

Monday, June 04, 2007
Cousin Boaz is a spoilt boy. Ok, he is not a boy...he is a grown man. All i know is that he earns his living selling cars, i highly doubt it though. Boaz moved out of his mum's house to live alone. Funny thing is that the mum is the one paying his rent. How twisted is that?

Anyway, one day Boaz decided to marry and on a fine december day relatives & friends gathered to celebrate the colorful occasion. Kumbe Boaz married a wolf in sheep's clad. Apparently the chick is a whore. Immediately after the wedding, she started showing her true colors...coming home at 2 in the morning, not dishing out the goodies to the husband, doing nothing at all in the house and when Boaz asked why, the chick would beat him up! The chick doesn't want to be asked about her whereabouts. Swali langu ni: kwani she thinks you get married and continue malayaing as usual? what did she think when she said "i do"? she was certainly aware that seriousness is beginning then ama she thought she was dreaming?

Two months after a weird marriage life, madam moved out of the marital home. She is now being seen with her lover, a certain politician. How sad is that? i ask myself what courtship is all about. isn't it the time before marriage when both sides get to know each other? you find out as much as possible about you future better half and make up your mind about spending the rest of your life with them? was Boaz high all through this period? so high that he could not see the signs that there was something twisted about the girl? ama he was marrying just for the sake? for the sake of what, i wonder. now that would be too crazy.